A) After sleeping with my wife when should gusal be performed, immediately after or can it be done, a few hours later, before fajar. As I live in a small house, having a bath at night makes a lot of noise we don’t want to upset our parents by having a bath at night, they frowned upon my brother and sister in law, who now moved out, as they used to have bath daily.
B) There are also young children in the house (ages 10, 14, 20) we don’t want to give them the wrong impression by having a bath at night or daily. Please advice?
C) My wife is also in the fear that was her hair daily she might become ill, will it gusul be valid if she does masah of the head/hair?
D) If after one has done gusul, the clothes that they wore before and during the time I slept with my wife how should these be handled?
E) will I have to perform gusal again if I touch these clothes?
F) I have to take them to the washing machine, back to bed room, how should this be done?
G) If my wife is washing these clothes does she have to perform gusal again?
2. As a child age around 12 my father used to beat my mother regularly, sometimes as my mother would speak back to him other times for no apparent reason. My mother sustained many injuries broken bones bruised eyes etc.. This was done in front of me, brothers, sister and grand mother (who always made the situation worse) and sometimes in the locked bedroom (could hear my mother screen). My father would also beat me, brothers and sister (when she was 16/17) all for minor little things. I have always felt ashamed that I did not help my mother when this was taking place but I could only comfort her after. My father read five time pay and has done so for a few years now, (has also finally stopped beating my mother) but whenever he speak to my mother, me, brothers and sister and sister in law he always shouts at us and if we were having a normal conversation but he is always shouting. He always belittles me (aged 26) and my brothers (aged 27, 23) and humiliates us at least once a week. Last year my older bother moved into his own house, only a few houses away but hardly every comes to our family home. My father tried to force him to marry his sisters’ daughter but unsuccessfully. My now new sister in law does come to visit a few times a week but she is, too used to shouting and belittling by my father. I have got used to this shouting, belittling and humiliation but my wife (who has a double relation to my parents, both our father are brothers and both our mothers are sisters) will not be able to put up with this. I am afraid the same will happen to her. My mother told me a few years ago that my father wanted me to marry his sisters daughter but never once asked me that I should do this. When I proposed that I wanted to marry my cousin, who now is my wife, everyone was happy except my father. My father never told me that I should not marry her. During the time of our niqah, the few days before and after my fathers was not very happy. Even though my wife is the daughter of my fathers’ brother, the treatment by my father towards her has not been very good. She is currently in awaiting her visa for . I am afraid that the same treatment (shouting, belittling and humiliation) will be done towards her but much much worse as she is not his sisters’ daughter. I am not in a situation to move into another home. A) What should I do? Me and my two brothers have never stood up to our father was he was beating our mother and I feel totally ashamed at this. I feel the treatment by our father towards our mothers has been totally unjustified and only in the last few years have the beating stopped, again I feel totally ashamed at this. I have felt angered that I did not do anything. Me and my brothers have never talked to each other about his part of our life. All three of us felt that we could not stand up to our father during this time and even now at present, shouting. B) What can we do to calm our father down, now aged around 60. he read five time salah has peformed umrah and twice hajj but when he is at home he always gets angered at minor little things, he is shouting, belittling and humiliating our mother and all his children, and C)I fear will soon be my wife which I will not able to protect her from. My child hood into adult hood has had a great deal of effect on me. I have had counselling, after being referred from doctor, but felt that it was not doing anything and the counsellor was a non Muslim, not understand. D) How can I get over this situation as I feel this is a burden upon me? The only person I have every been open to is my wife, but I don’t want to burden her with my previous problems, E) should I tell my wife of the problem that may face her regarding my father, F) Should I tell my wife of my previous sins and my past with my parents so we can have a better understanding of each other and can move on? We have no other family in the , my father would never listen to any others advice. I don’t want to dislike/hate anybody, not even my father. G) I have recently seen similar traits in my older brother toward my sister in law, how can I stop this vicious cycle from continuing?
In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful
Assalaamu `alaykum waRahmatullahi Wabarakatoh
A) It is better to make Ghusl as soon as possible and be in a clean state; however, there is no harm or sin in delaying the ghusl provided Salah is not neglected. One who (in the state of janabat) delays ghusl until the time of salaah will not be sinful, because there is ijmaa’ (consensus) that the performance of wudu or of the ghusl (for one in janabat, a woman of haidh or nifaas) only becomes wajib
(i) when salaah becomes wajib upon him/her,
(ii) when s/he intends to perform such an ibadat that is impermissible without wudu or ghusl; for example, when one intends to pray namaz, prostrate (sajdah), recite the Quran or touch it, and likewise perform other acts of ibadat—only then wudu or ghusl (according to one’s condition) will become wajib, and before this it is not wajib. However, one should not delay ghusl as it is against that which is best. [umdatul-fiqh, vol. 1, p.175]
It is permissible for a person in the state of janabat to sleep without ghusl or wudu, but it is better and mustahab to perform wudu prior to sleep. [umdatul-fiqh, vol. 1, p.176]
B) See above
C) If water, whether cold or hot, is harmful to her, and a reliable physician has prohibited her from using water then she may make Masah without washing her hair in an obligatory Ghusl.
D) If the clothes are pure and have no impurity on them, then one may wear them. However, if there is impurity upon the garments, then it is necessary to wash them (washing it thrice and rinsing it after every wash purifies the garment). [khawaateen kai masaaail or unka hal, vol.1]
E) No; merely touching impure clothes does not make ghusl compulsory.
F) see above
2. Jazakallah for sharing your painful experiences with us and for asking for guidelines as to how you could deal with the future.
Allow me to mention at the outset that it is time that wives and children of men who are abusive towards their families are exposed and helped.
Unfortunately, it has to be pointed out that Muslim men who beat up their families are not really practicing Islam. This behaviour has nothing to do with Allah Ta’ala’s commandments, nor does this behaviour have anything do to with the sunnah of our beloved Nabi (صلى الله عليه وسلم). Islam is clear about how each one of us are to treat our fellow human beings. The treatment of wives and one’s children is clearly described by our Nabi (صلى الله عليه وسلم). The behaviour of a man who beats up his family is not in keeping with Islam, in fact it borders on the side of oppression.
Brother, allow me to suggest that although your father has treated the family in this way and although all of you seem to bear the scars of his behavior, do find it in your hearts to forgive him. He is as much a victim as you and your family are. I shall explain later.
However, it is also important that you, your brothers and your sister, seek professional help immediately.
Your father has been the role model all of you grew up with and have learnt from. You have witnessed and experienced for many years a negative way of handling relationships. It does happen that although you may despise these methods, years of exposure have shown you that it is easier to scream, shout and bully to get things done. It is not cowardly behaviour. If you speak to your dad, he may tell you that this was possibly the way he was brought up and this is how his father, grandfather etc handled their emotions.
You can’t undo what has already happened but insha’allah, you can cut off this cycle of violence and learn to deal with stress, needs and emotions in a positive and acceptable way. Research has shown that victims of abuse become abusers themselves.
Unfortunately, your brother is already showing the signs of what happens to victims of abusive. This is how he has seen a marital relationship being conducted. He needs to get help urgently. He may act violently or negatively towards his wife, he may regret it and hate himself for doing what he is doing. However, as long as he does not go and unlearn this style of handling his marriage, it will not go away. All of you have to go for help. Do try not to blame yourselves nor think that it will be a disgrace to go for help. If all of you take positive action now, the future generations and yourselves will benefit.
Please do not blame yourselves for not defending your mother. You are your parent’s children and it is always very difficult for children to take the part of one parent or another. It is natural that you experience shame as you feel deep down that it may have been your fault that you did not protect your mother. If you had challenged your father, you may feel that Allah Ta’ala will be angry with you for your rudeness to your father. Can you see that it would have been difficult for you either way? May Allah Ta’ala reward you from restraining yourselves from being rude to your father, ameen. However, now that you realise that your father’s behaviour may affect your marriage, you need to consider moving out of the home and living a life free from aggression and stress. Do not think that you will be abandoning your parents. You will be bringing someone else’s daughter into your life and she does not deserve to be abused by her father in law.
Have you considered asking the local imaam or learned scholars to speak to your father about his treatment of the family? It may not be easy to do so but think about getting someone to speak to him. Your father may become angry that you have asked someone senior imaam or someone to speak to him but it has to be done. the alternative is that you brothers get him to sit down and all of you tell him that it is time for him to listen to the whole. That all of you love him but need him to change his behaviour and that you would like him to go for professional also. If your father agrees to go for counselling, it will be the best thing for the whole family.
I do urge you to go for counselling before you get married. You may need to tell your wife about your dad’s temper in the sense that she should understand that your father’s nature is like that and she should not take his temper or what he says to heart. Your sister in law also needs the same help.
May Allah Ta’ala guide all of you and help you to find the way towards getting through to your father. Please feel free to write again if you wish.
And Allah knows best
Sister Fadila (F1)
Checked and Approved by:
Mufti Ebrahim Desai
Darul Iftaa, Madrassah In’aamiyyah