Answered by Ustadha Zaynab Ansari, SunniPath Academy Teacher
I wanted to know what rights I had in my Deen in this dilemma. I am my husband’s second wife, and our marriage is undercover from everybody, my family and his family. We have been married for over three years now. When we got married my husband assured me that in three years time he would tell his wife and family, but just a few months later he told me he could never tell her, because he fears he may lose his children.
All this time I thought things might change, but they haven’t and I think it is very unlikely to change. He doesn’t spend any time with me, maybe an hour every 6-8 weeks, he doesn’t even have time to talk to me over the phone, and these things hurt me very much. When I married him I accepted the fact I had to share him, but this isn’t 50/50. When I complain that he doesn’t spend any time with me he says I am pressurizing him, so I don’t say anything, and if I am upset over this he tells me I am feeling sorry for myself.
If I knew that things would be like this, that our marriage will never be public knowledge, I would have never married him. What am I suppose to tell my family, who except me to get married. How do I explain this to the world what my relationship is with this man? I’ve tried talking to him many times; he just suggests I look for anther man to marry. I don’t think he knows how much this is hurting me, how much it effects me. He gets all this rights as my husband, yet he has taken away any rights Allah SWT has given to every wife.
I cannot talk to anyone about my problems, because I’m not allowed to tell anyone. Every problem I face, I have to face alone. He says he loves me, but they are just words to me now. I feel like I am been unjustly treated, that’s he has misled me.
I would really appreciate if you could give me some advice, maybe I am just looking at this from my point of view, and that I am wrong in thinking like this. Allah SWT knows best.
Allah Hafiz
In the Name of Allah, the Gracious, the Merciful.
Dear Sister,
I pray that this message finds you in in good health and iman.
You are correct: this is a difficult situation.
My first piece of advice to you is to make sure that you have some documentation of your marriage. Since the community was not informed of your marriage, you need to be sure that you can prove that you are this brother’s wife. Were there any witnesses to the marriage? Do you have a contract?
You need to go to the person who performed the marriage ceremony and apprise him of the situation.
Even more importantly, you need to consult a reliable scholar, Imam, or Muslim marriage counselor and let them know what is happening.
The brother has violated your rights as a wife on several counts.
Sacred Law absolutely requires men to treat their wives equitably. Equitable treatment includes, but is not limited to:
1. Financial support and maintenance
2. Housing
3. Companionship
4. Fair division of time between households
This is the letter of the law. If a man cannot deal equitably between wives, it is impermissible for him to enter into a polygynous marriage.
The scholars on SunniPath caution against men entering into such marriages for the very reasons you describe. Obviously your husband is concerned that if he were to tell his first wife about you, then their marriage would break up. Since there are so many relationships at stake here, yours, his first marriage, and his relationship with his children, you need to reconsider the wisdom of staying in such a situation.
Please ask Allah Most High to facilitate the best course of action by turning to Him in istikhara, or the prayer for guidance. The details are available at http://qa.sunnipath.com/issue_view.asp?HD=1&ID=1056&CATE=4
It may be possible to resolve this situation but the intervention of a God-fearing, knowledgeable person is required.
Honesty is at the very heart of marriage. Your husband has been dishonest to both of his wives. You have a right to be recognized as your husband’s wife. Secret marriages are not permitted in Islam. You also have to think about the effect this will have on your family. They do not know about this relationship. Please don’t continue to hide this. It doesn’t look good for either of you.
My advice to your husband is that he should follow the example of the Prophet, peace be upon him. His wives knew each other. When he would go out with one of his wives, he always introduced her so there would be no suspicion. He was honest and aboveboard in all his dealings.
May Allah Most High bless us to follow his noble example.
And Allah knows best.
Zaynab (Umm Salah)