Answered by Shaykh Abdullah Anik Misra
Question
How can I stop feeling lust for my brother’s wife as we live in the same house?
Answer
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful and Compassionate
You are not morally accountable for involuntary passing feelings, such as noting that someone is attractive – though that is not a free pass to pursue or approve of it. That initial feeling (which may be natural) should not be encouraged to grow into lust. This is the responsibility of the person who feels the desire: to curtail acting on or entertaining it before it becomes a temptation towards sin.
Actively encouraging or acting on lust for someone other than one’s spouse is a sin, as you know. Let alone talking and interacting needlessly, it includes fantasizing, staring, admiring, unnecessarily being interested in or asking about the other person or anything else that increases one’s desire for them in conscious or subconscious ways. You should completely cut them out of your scope of concern for a while.
Finding and Cutting the Roots of Lust
The first thing one should do is check their thought processes and behavior. How did they allow those feelings to grow in the first place? They should then close those avenues, whether entertaining fancies in mind, casual interactions, flirtatious speech, or a lingering gaze.
The next thing is to ask yourself what the occasions and means provoke this lust. If it is needlessly spending time in a common area with the other person, they should avoid this. The same goes for chatting, texting, and so on.
It is ok to tell your brother or wife that as a man, you feel shy in front of the other non-mahram gender – without admitting any attraction, of course – so they are aware of your religious standards and will not unnecessarily put you both in the same area. It also makes you behave with a higher sense of decorum, which often makes the other person behave better.
Finally, remember that being alone in an enclosed space with a non-related member of the opposite gender [khalwa] is unlawful. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) forbade it, and when asked about a woman being alone with the brother-in-law, he replied, “The brother-in-law is death!” [Bukhari]
This means that the potential temptations and opportunities between in-laws are more than strangers because interactions are more frequent and less reserved. The same goes for privacy in messaging, joking, or having personal exchanges that could lead to emotional infidelity. Keep reminding yourself how sordid and low these desires are if acted upon.
Then How Do I Handle Being in the Same House?
The biggest issue is that you are living in the same space. If the feelings are becoming disruptive and you don’t have a way of maintaining private space and avoiding unnecessary contact, you need to think about eventually moving out into your own space as a potential solution.
Until then, if you have to deal with her, do so with formality and decorum [adab] without being awkward. Treat her matter-of-factly and don’t linger. You will usually look at someone you speak to, so don’t keep darting your gaze up and down as that can actually increase attraction, but rather when needed, look with purpose straight in her eyes (alone) to speak your business then turn away and move on.
Ask Allah Most High to remove unlawful feelings, refrain from watching desire-provoking material, and direct yourself towards healthy outlets to release your excess energies.
Wassalam,
[Shaykh] Abdullah Anik Misra
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Abdul-Rahim Reasat
Shaykh Abdullah Misra was born in Toronto, Canada, in 1983. His family hails from India, and he was raised in the Hindu tradition. He embraced Islam in 2001 while at the University of Toronto, from where he completed a Bachelor of Business Administration. He then traveled overseas in 2005 to study the Arabic language and Islamic sciences in Tarim, Yemen, for some time, as well as Darul Uloom in Trinidad, West Indies. He spent 12 years in Amman, Jordan, where he focused on Islamic Law, Theology, Hadith Sciences, Prophetic Biography, and Islamic Spirituality while also working at the Qasid Arabic Institute as Director of Programs. He holds a BA in Islamic Studies (Alimiyya, Darul Uloom) and authorization in the six authentic books of Hadith and is currently pursuing specialized training in issuing Islamic legal verdicts (ifta’). He holds a certificate in Counselling and often works with new Muslims and those struggling with religious OCD. He is an instructor and researcher in Sacred Law and Theology with the SeekersGuidance The Global Islamic Seminary. Currently, He resides in the Greater Toronto Area with his wife and children. His personal interests include Indian history, comparative religion, English singing, and poetry.