Q: I am currently undergoing major problems in my home, my husband and I bought a home about 7 months back. He brought his mum to live with us as he is the only son and she is old, he does not want her to live on her own. However bear in mind she is still working in a school and is an independent woman.
There have been many small issues in our house due to the fact that we live together and are in each other’s faces daily. She also has a habit of smoking and this is affecting me greatly. Whenever there is an issue, my husband speaks to her about it and she then locks herself up in her room, in a great mood, thereafter gives me the cold shoulder, which then creates a miserable environment to live in.
My husband refuses to accept when his mum is wrong, I am always incorrect and I am disrespectful and I cannot make sabr and overlook her faults. Those are his words generally.
Also every problem is a small one for him. Both him and his mum have emotionally drained me and mentally I cannot take it anymore.
I love my husband but I cannot live this way and he refuses to find her alternate accommodation. I have asked him to do this and I’ve also told him that he must do whatever needs to be done for his mum, I have done for his mum more than even her own child did for her in the past 3 years that we’ve been married but no appreciation and care for me comes from her. All they say to me is that I need appreciation for what I do and I always talk about what I do. But they don’t realize my worth in the house and take me for granted. I don’t know what to do anymore.
I am currently in my parents home on my own accord. I just want to live on my own with him and I feel that we will have a better relationship all round. He does not want to understand this. Please advise
That is my wife’s argument, my argument is that there are no direct fights from my mothers side. If my mum is upset, she ignores us for some time. My wife gets frustrated and screams at my mother and I. I was under the impression that she helped me look after my mother out of her own will, I did not force her. They both buy each other gifts and go shopping together. I thought it was all good.
Now my wife has left home and says that she will only return if I get my mother a flat that is seperate from us. Not even in the same yard. She doesn’t want me to try to extend and make a seperate living space for my mother in the side of our house. I am the only child. How can I kick my mother out? Even if shes not sick, how can I leave her alone knowing that she is old and has diabetes.
My wife gets extremely angry with me and blames my mother and I for all our problems. She has asked for a divorce numerous times. We have been for Islamic counseling. She says that no Maulana can help because I have made up my mind and always take my mothers part. She also wants things to be her way or no way. Her anger is out of control. By going away if there are small problems and the fact that her parents keep her make it as if they control the marriage, we cannot have disagreements, if we do, she will run away and they will keep her… Please advise
A: This is not the conduct of a Muslim woman. Taking good care of your mother is not just an option, it is an obligation, and the one who stops you from fulfilling your obligation is a zaalim. Don’t pay attention to her.
And Allah Ta’ala (الله تعالى) knows best.
Mufti Ebrahim Salejee (Isipingo Beach)
This answer was collected from MuftiOnline.co.za, where the questions have been answered by Mufti Zakaria Makada (Hafizahullah), who is currently a senior lecturer in the science of Hadith and Fiqh at Madrasah Ta’leemuddeen, Isipingo Beach, South Africa.