How Do I Get Rid of My Desperation to Get Married?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: I am a single 28 year old woman. I have not dated anyone before. It is so upsetting that I have ended up feeling unwanted at this age. How am I supposed to be happy knowing that no matter what happens, my singlehood persists? My mind keeps going back to how nothing ever really happens despite asking God.

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. Dear sister, may Allah lift this turmoil in your heart and replace it with tranquility.

Contentment

A shaykh once told me to make this dua: “O Allah, make me want what You want.” Make this dua as much you can, to help you surrender to the Decree of Allah.

Read Surah Yusuf to help lift your sadness. Make daily istighfar and send salawat upon the Prophet (upon him be blessings and peace).

Dua

Abu Huraira reported that Allah’s Messenger (upon him be blessings and peace) said:
The supplication of every one of you is granted if he does not grow impatient and says: “I supplicated but it was not granted.” [Sahih Muslim]

Please continue to make dua for a righteous and loving spouse. Trust that Allah will send you what you need, at the best possible time. In addition, please perform The Prayer of Need before the entry of Fajr. It is not our place to demand Allah to hurry – instead, beg Allah to soothe your heart, for He is the Turner of Hearts.

Dating

Dating in the Western sense (flirtation, being in seclusion with a non-mahram man, engaging in physical contact etc) is impermissible. Alhamdulilah for you not having committed this sin before. May Allah keep you steadfast on this, despite the rising trend of young Muslims going down this troubling path.

It is tempting for you to believe that because you have not dated, you are not wanted by anyone, therefore inherently unlovable. This is nothing more than waswasa by the shaytan, who wants to fool you into despair. Don’t buy into his lies. Never place your worth in the hands of your romantic partner. This puts you in a very vulnerable position.

Marriage

When registration reopens on February 8th, please complete Islamic Marriage: Guidance for Successful Marriage and Married Life. This will give you a clearer idea of what marriage calls you to.

Hajj and Umrah

Have you performed Hajj and Umrah yet? If not, please save up and go with a trusted mahram or a group of trustworthy women. When you first see the Ka’bah, make the dua of Imam Malik and ask Allah to answer all your duas. Then proceed to ask Allah for a righteous husband and children. Alhamdulilah, that’s what I did when I was in my twenties. I’m in my thirties now and have a husband and a baby daughter. Once, this was unimaginable for me. Truly, Allah is Generous and Wise.

Good opinion of Allah

Trust in Allah’s Wisdom. There is a reason why He is delaying marriage for you. Perhaps there are still character traits you need to develop. Developing patience with Allah’s Decree will serve you well throughout your marriage. You may find yourself tested by common trials such as finances, in-laws, communication difficulties, children, health issues etc. Use the time you have right now to practise gratitude for what you do have, and work on the parts of yourself that need refining.

I pray that one day, you will have the blessings of a husband and children who love you dearly. In the meantime, trust that you already have the love of your Creator.

Please refer to the following links:

Why my Singlehood Seems Endless and Why is it So Difficult to Bear?
Difficulty Getting Married Leading to Resentment and Depression
Advice for Those Who Are Still Single After Trying to Get Married for Years
Single Muslims – Why Can’t We Get Married?

Wassalam,
Raidah

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani.