Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question:
I have recently come across marital rights and read responses on a website, and now I don’t want to get married due to his rights over me. One scary thing is that even if the man oppresses his wife, she would have to bear it with patience and that if there are arguments in the house, it’s always the wife that has to be quiet and listen to her husband, or the wife can’t deny him when he wants her in bed (unless she is sick or menstruating), even if she genuinely doesn’t feel like it. It makes me feel like I would be a slave and his authority unlimited.
Answer:
Assalamu alaykum,
Thank you for your question. Don’t be scared of Marriage and think that all men are monsters; they are not. Rather, fear Allah and fulfill His rights over you.
A man’s rights
It is true that a man has rights over his wife, but I was listening to a scholar recently who said that if you study the chapter of Marriage in a fiqh book, you will find that the wife has many more rights than the husband, and this is for the protection of the wife and children. Practically speaking, you must take a course on Islamic Marriage and learn about the spirit of a Muslim marriage coupled with its rulings. Reading the responses and opinions when surfing online can be very misleading. Seek correct, reliable knowledge.
https://academy.seekersguidance.org/enrol/index.php?id=282
Authority
A man does not have unlimited authority over his wife. If a woman is in genuine trouble, she has many avenues to solve the problem, and it is absolutely prohibited that he abuse her in any way. She has a right to physical and emotional safety. The Prophet (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said: “The most complete of the believers in his belief is he who perfects his manners, and the best of you in manners are those who act best towards their wives.” [Tirmidhi] See some of her rights and an explanation of hadith on Marriage here:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/im-fearful-islam-causing-depression-can/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/abusive-relationship/
A wife’s rights
A woman has a right to live in separate living quarters from her in-laws, privacy, safety, financial support for food, medication, and clothing. She has the right to acquire obligatory Islamic knowledge, a right to her pleasure being fulfilled in the bedroom, and the right, given by God, to be treated with kindness, respect, and generosity. Her few obligations are here:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/shafii-fiqh/what-are-my-obligations-in-obeying-my-husband-in-the-shafii-school/
Bedroom
If she genuinely doesn’t want to give in to his physical desires just because she doesn’t feel like it, then she should also understand when he genuinely doesn’t want to buy her groceries that day, just because he doesn’t feel like it. Selfishness like this is far from what the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) taught us. See the details of conjugal rights here:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/islam-say-neglect-wifes-sexual-rights/
In summary
Allah has made marital obligations different for each gender, for the preservation of families in Muslim societies, and both are accountable on the Day of Judgment. Coldness is not conducive to a happy marriage. Allah Most High describes Marriage as “[…] they are a garment for you and you are a garment for them, […] [Qur’an, 2:187]. May Allah give you the best of this world and the next and bless you with a pious spouse.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.