Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question:
I am an unmarried (desi) young woman who has a hard time getting along with her single mother. We run into disagreements regularly, though I wouldn’t call her toxic. I think I should move out, so we have a healthy distance; the small issues wouldn’t become disagreements so often. She thinks I’d be selfish to do so because it would hurt her feelings and that I should learn to sacrifice instead. My brother takes care of all her needs, and she is independent. Would I be selfish to move out?
Answer:
Assalamu alaykum,
Thank you for your question. This isn’t really a question about halal or haram, but more a question of principle. I pray that you follow your heart and make a decision that gives your mother her due respect.
Living alone
Living alone is permissible, even if you are unmarried, though there is dislike in it if a woman is not safe. See the links here for more details on that:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/can-woman-live-shafii/
https://seekersguidance.org/articles/general-artices/the-reality-of-istikhara/
Intention
When in doubt, pray istikhara and seek what Allah wants you to do. He will make it clear and be patient for an answer. Also, consult others, friends, family, and most importantly, look at your intention (niyyah). Are you doing this just for freedom? Are you doing this to get out of chores? Are you doing this because you are unable to compromise and use conflict resolution skills? Are you doing this because things must be your way?
Communication
I can’t tell you that you are being selfish for wanting to move out, but I do know other unmarried who almost moved out and but then decided to stay to help their parents as they were getting older. I found that to be very selfless.
Learning to compromise and communicate will bring you greater rewards, greater satisfaction and give you priceless skills in dealing with future married life. Try setting boundaries, try setting a schedule for your needs, and try communicating to her that her bending a bit will help you relieve your stress.
Keep in mind this prophetic hadith, “The believer who mixes with people and bears their annoyance with patience will have a greater reward than the believer who does not mix with people and does not put up with their annoyance.” [Ibn Maja]
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.