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Managing feelings for a man who wants to marry, but family disapproves?

Answered as per Hanafi Fiqh by Muftisays.com
Assalamualaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh

I pray to Allah, this email reaches you in the best of health and imaan.
First of all I would like to say Ramadhan Mubarak.

I have emailed you today, as I wish to require some advice.

I am 21 years of age, studying in my final year university. I come from a gujratti background.

Many years ago, when i was at the age of 14 I got involved with a boy which was the biggest mistake I have ever made. After this incident I promised myself and swore on Allah I would not become emotionally attached to another male. Alhamdulillah with the help of Allah, I managed to change my life around taking small steps changing myself and my ways. mashAllah throughout sixth form I managed to build the barrier with the brother in my class. Alhamdulillah this allowed the brothers to build some respect for me where they would not speak in the wrong context with myself.

My first two years at university were the same, where in I had no contact with brothers. However earlier this year in March, I came across an online forum. i joined up ( I do admit it wasnt the best online forum to join) initially when I joined, I thought it was a forum where people would discuss islamic issues and give advice. There was alot of this occuring which was Alhamdulillah good. However if we needed help with something we could post and someone would reply if they were happy to assist. At this time i was preparing a presentation for a university project, I needed help in converting a recording to mp3 format. I posted on the forum as I was desperate for help, and a brother replied with assistance. He asked for me to send him the file and he would convert it for me. I shouldn’t have gone ahead with this decision but I did. After this assitance the brother of pakistani background and I began to speak online.

After speaking to him , I became aware, he was very involved in the dawah scene and he had a genuine passion for deen. we would speak alot about islam. slowly unfortunately, astagfirullah I began to feel some kind of attachement and feeling towards him. The passion for deen was just amazing, he spends alot of time in the company of his local Imam. He helped me improve my life, encouraging me to pray five times a day.. alhamdulillah which I now am. I am in full hijab for a couple of years, yet I found it difficult with my family to practice wearing the hijab on a full time basis. I now with this brothers encouragement wear full black attire, my parents and brother don’t approve as they remark ‘where are you going in the hardcore hijab style’.

However the brother requested we stop talking as it is not halal, which I totally agree and the times we did talk, I continue to repent.

We discussed marriage, he has asked for my fathers phone number, as he wishes for his father to contact mine after he comes back from hajj, I would approve, but I do not wish to hurt my parents, as they wouldnt approve of a ‘pakistani son in law’.

I would like some advice how to solve this situation? what do I do? I have considered isthikara but im not 100% sure on the rulings and methods.

I would llike your advice in regards to what you believe is the correct route to take?

Jazakamullah Kayrun


Bismillahir Rahmaanir Raheem
Al Jawaab Billahit-Tawfeeq

Respected sister

Alhamdulillah you have taken the correct steps to ensure you gain the pleasure of Allah in your actions and plans.

In Ahadeeth, the prophet (peace be upon him) states that a woman is married for four reasons and he advised that we should choose “Religion” i.e. the one who practices Deen the most. When one chooses Deen over all the other qualities (Lineage, Wealth & Looks) then they have gone with the advice of the beloved prophet and there is nothing but success in this choice.

However, many times this reason is an excuse so first one needs to be sure. This is done in two ways.

First, it is crucial that a lengthy time is given with no contact with the non-Mahram (one who you can marry) to ensure that Shaytaan does not play with the heart.

Secondly, performing Istikharah to see which way Allah (swt) guides you.

For the final part, if everything is positive, his father or he himself can approach your family to meet. Some times, the actual meeting has made parent’s change their mind about marrying outside of same background. That which Allah (swt) has destined will come to pass but not without means. This is where the steps we take within the boundaries of Sharee’ah help. In this case, the formal proposal from the family.

Once the proposal is made, there will be questions from your family. It is important you are honest and that you speak to your parents with respect. After all, the contact that was kept with him was Haraam and of no benefit. You must not talk to your family to convince them but rather to teach them the correct thing to choose and at the least, meet him and his family.

let them learn beforehand that you want to marry a person for their Deen and nothing but their Deen. Background is of no importance as this person can be better than anyone from your own background. You must also be open to the possibility that he may not be the right person and your family should be told that too that if they have anyone in mind, he must meet your criteria too as your criteria is according to Sunnah.

Until marriage, no one is a couple. Love before marriage is only attraction towards character, abilities, looks or personality and is not classed as love in its true sense. Attraction is not sinful if it is merely interest and no Haraam takes place such as chatting, meeting, talking on the phone etc.

Above all the advice, I have to strongly advise that you probably feel this because you kept contact. If you spoke to someone else on that forum and he was the same, you’d feel the same about that too. Only Allah knows what is best for you and knowing someone barely is the fastest route to believing they’re the best choice as initially, one will only see the best things. This is not to say that he is not as you describe but you must accept that it just as possible that he may not be right for you as he may be.

Here are some answers on Istikharah:

And Allah knows best

Maulana Muhammad

This answer was collected from MuftiSays.com, based in London (UK). It is one of the fruits of Darul Uloom London. Many ‘ulama are involved in answering the Q&A on the site, including: Shaikul Hadeeth Mufti Umar Farooq Sahib, Mufti Saifur Rahman Sahib, Mufti Abdullah Patel Sahib, Maulana Qamruz Zaman Sahib, Mufti Abu Bakr Karolia Sahib.

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