Speaking to the girls parents before nikaah
Q: I have a doubt regarding who should talk/how should one speak to the girl’s parents when seeking for girl for marriage. My parents were approached by one of my relatives to make nikaah of their daughter to me. So they came to our house (I was not present at that time) and then they called us to their home and asked me to come to their home as well. We haven’t seen the girl even in photo and during our visit also girl was not available. That is not a big deal. We went over there by evening 5pm and their welcome was pleasing. After the tea, everyone sat around (around 10 members from their side and from my side just my parents and my brother). Then I started to speak after the introduction which is as follows. Start of my speech:
Right now I am working in BEML Limited, Palakkad Complex which is a PSU. Earlier I worked for Bosch limited, Chennai. (I am doing my ME (PT) in PSG more than 2 years left for completion). Masha Allah it is good. I should be thankful to Allah as I only asked for it. But being a PSU I don’t like the work culture and slowly I am accustomed to it.
Insha allah I will leave this job. For that reason only I am not yet married. Here I have a bond of 2 lakhs to pay which I can’t break so I am working over here. Waiting for completion of ME (part time) and bond period. Once it gets over I will try to come back to Chennai and look out for some teaching profession.
I am a shy guy, I don’t like to go and roam here and there, I expect the same from my spouse.
I am a simple personality by character, I don’t like spending on unnecessary things, expect the same from my spouse. I don’t go out even to buy dresses for eid. My brother/parents buy it for me.
Normally our family we don’t go to cinemas. Even with friends I haven’t been to one cinema in the whole of my college life, I remember one instance when my school friends dragged me to Chennai – 600028. Hence I can’t take your girl outside for cinemas.
Watching haram in TV’s is not allowed. I accept that once I was a person very much close to music, cricket from my school days till my college days, participating in many college cultural shows and winning prizes (but didn’t think that it is haraam). But now I have given it up. Expect the same from my spouse except watching news/learning new things and what it is allowed in shariah.
See the age of the girl is very less (18 yrs). Today’s generation it is growing thick and fast and already I am outdated as we didn’t have phones even in our college days but today a small child has it. She should not feel that I am too old for her.
Please ask 100% acceptance from her side. If she doesn’t like me even a little bit, please abandon the whole talk. Don’t proceed with this further.
See I don’t want to see your girl if she is beautiful or not, for the beauty lies in the heart rather than in the outer skin. If I am to look at your daughter alone then she will the beautiful women to me in the whole of the world if I can lower my gaze. I accepted for this proposal for my parents told because they told that the girl is good in deen, character and conduct.
I wouldn’t tolerate a small bit of bidaah, expect the same from spouse
I just know how to read quran but I can’t understand Arabic except a few words here and there. Now I am working on it a bit to improve. I want my spouse to be well educated in Arabic so that my children would learn Arabic insha allah easily and naturally quran as well.
I wanted my marriage to take place in masjid, with a good ulama’s bayan followed by walima (Most preferably after magrib).
Tell me the mahr amount that you expect from my side. I wish to pay my mahr from my earnings itself. If you’ll tell it then I will plan accordingly.
I don’t want you to spend even a single penny for my marriage.
No shows offs is expected in my marriage, I will be very upset if it happens so I am making it crystal clear at the very beginning.
Don’t put anything for the girl. I am afraid for the wealth. I had enough experience with these things while building the house which we stay right now. Lots of pain and fights occurred. I told my parents earlier not to build anything but they didn’t listen to my words.
I want the girl to respect my parents and my brother. I don’t want them to be disgraced by the girl under any circumstance.
See to that if my level of deen, character and outward appearance is acceptable for you and your daughter. If not please abandon the talk.
Tell what I have told today to your daughter.
End of my speech.
Later the girl’s parent replied after one week stating the following. The girl’s parents denied my proposal stating that the boy is talking too much before marriage and how dare he was to talk directly to the girl’s father stating his conditions. (Let the girl get a better boy than myself Insha allah). Hazrat please let me know if I had spoke wrong so that I would correct myself.
A: It is not appropriate for you to be speaking in this manner to your elder. The better approach is that you should engage your elders to do these types of discussions. They understand better and their approach is much more refined and respectful.
And Allah Ta’ala (الله تعالى) knows best.