Answered by: Maulana Tahsin Alam
Assalamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullah
I have a mess in my life, and I’m about to bring some order, but unfortunately, I’m not making any progress. I wanted to talk to you about this for a long time. But I am very ashamed of it. But I realize that I really need help because I do not want to get into depression. I always wanted to graduate from high school and apply for Alima studies in South Africa.
I live with my mother in law and alhamdulillah it is not easy ..A few months ago, I learned that my husband was cheating on me. He did not treat me well from the start. He always beat me and insulted me. He was ungrateful and that’s why he was so mean to me. He is young and I can understand that. But I cannot understand this bad character. A Muslim is not like that.
I forgave him for Allah. I’m scared to leave him because I think he’s going to do more bad things. He also says that he is still with Islam because of me. Because I remind him of Allah.
He is not a bad person. He is trying hard but unfortunately not enough .. I am being treated every day by him very badly. I have no one to defend or protect me. Alhamdulillah, I have Allah.
My parents are very far away. 6 hours away from me. And I cannot talk to my mother about how I feel, I do not want to hurt her. I do not know who to talk to or what to do. My mother in law is very Islamic MashaAllah. But she is also very funny.
I ran away from home almost 3 years ago. Because my parents did not want to accept me with Islam. I was 19 years old when I ran away from home. At the age of 12 I started looking for the true religion and at the age of 17, I found my great love, Islam. Alhamdulillah. I Met my husband over Instagram. Many months passed and we prayed istikhara for Nikkah.
A few months later my parents wanted to arrest me, they did not want to send me to work and wanted to take everything away from me. In my heart came that I should go for Islam. I never left home. I have always been very close to my parents. I always wanted to be with my parents and work for my parents.
I drove from one city to another. I did not go there for Nikkah. I did not want nikkah I wanted Islam and then go back stronger to my parents but I was in a weird position everything happened so fast. I arrived in at the other city and I was with the mother of my current husband. 10 days later we did Nikkah. Although I did not even say something right. It just happened.
He had a marriage before me. He has a child from the first marriage. He has parents who are with Islam but somehow more with culture. They are Afghans.
I think I was for him only someone he could have to make commitments that he is Muslim. To this day, he is not an honest person. He can act very well. He puts himself in layers so much that you cannot get him out any more. And then suddenly, a few minutes later, he is completely different again. He feels special and he is very selfish.
I have never judged anyone, I have always tried to see the best in people. Because my parents showed me that way. But I have experienced many things here that I thought did not exist. I always had to hear that I cannot cry when my husband is bad to me, that I may not do anything. I just have to be quiet and keep smiling and do what he says. I was treated badly so often and even beaten in front of my mother-in-law. Also in front of my sister-in-law. All they did was just saying that their poor brother is not feeling well, so many times my husband has been talking and doing bad things and I have always tried to calm or enlighten him but because he did not want that, he is always disengaged. Because he’s a human being, that when he’s mad at something they all have to be angry and when you’re not angry or sad with him, he’s beating and screaming a lot, but he just does it to me. He always did it with his mother earlier.
I cry so much and I want to be alone so often I sometimes hit myself because I think I’m dreaming, I’m scared for myself. I hate to talk about it because it’s a waste of time it’s unnecessary and I hate to talk about it about him and his family because I’m scared that it’s like blaspheming, but I swear by Allah, I do not know any further and I do not remember if I’m stupid and think it all up or if it’s real. I just wish it just stop but he does not understand that.
He always insults me and is so ungrateful. He looks and stays with so many girls and that’s why I think he’s ungrateful with me. He spent my whole marriage with Zina. And SubhanAllah my husband himself has told me what he has done. And I was so sad for him. Because I know how are humans and we are weak. And because I married him for Allah and I love him for Allah. but I wish I could know what I can do.
That’s why I ask you. And give me answers that do not come from your nafs In shaa Allah.
بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
Assalamualaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakaatuh
We ask that Allāh SWT alleviates your pain and suffering; we also ask that He grants you much more goodness in return for the hardships you have been dealing with patiently.
As for your question: there is no shame in resorting to a qualified scholar or therapist to deal with marital issues, these are very delicate matters in which one person alone cannot always give you the correct answer. Allāh SWT orders the spouses during a marital conflict to find arbitrators who can negotiate with one another on their behalf, therefore do not be ashamed. He says:
“And if you fear dissension between the two, send an arbitrator from his people and an arbitrator from her people. If they both desire reconciliation, Allah will cause it between them. Indeed, Allah is ever Knowing and Acquainted [with all things].”
Many couples make this mistake: they marry their spouse with the intention of “changing them after marriage” this cannot be further from the truth; they end up losing themselves before even seeing any change within their spouse. We see that your husband has not changed after marriage but still continues to abuse you and commit ḥarām whilst promising you to change.
You do not have to deal with this, you do not have to tolerate and make Sabr whilst he is constantly denying your Islamic rights. Allāh SWT says:
“Men are in charge of women by [right of] what Allah has given one over the other and what they spend [for maintenance] from their wealth.”
Allāh SWT has placed conditional leadership in men, which is that they must fulfil the rights upon them which their wives are deserving of, in order to be worthy of leadership. These could be marital rights or observing upright Islamic character with them, which should be a given for any marriage. You do not have to tolerate any verbal or physical abuse from him as these are acts which he is not permitted to do in the first place.
We suggest you find a reliable Islamic counsellor or marriage mediator to work out your marital issues. If that does not work out, we suggest raising this matter to your local scholars so that they might find a solution or proceed to cancel your marriage, for the sake of your own īmān and wellbeing.
Only Allāh Ta’ālā knows best
Written by Maulana Tahsin Alam
Checked and approved by Mufti Mohammed Tosir Miah
Dārul Iftā Birmingham
This answer was collected from DarulIftaBirmingham.co.uk, which is run under the supervision of Mufti Mohammed Tosir Miah from the United Kingdom.