Salam masnoon, I got a marriage proposal from a decent family in November 2010. But I like my cousin, the youngest daughter of my father’s real sister. And she too likes me. My aunty, who is a widow, has 6 daughters and 3 sons MASHALLAH. She is religious and pious. Her elder 2 daughters were married to my elder 2 brothers in April 2002. Her 3rd daughter was also married before November 2010. When I heard the said arrived proposal for me, i clearly mentioned it to my father that I like my cousin and she too. Considering my feelings, my father asked me to consult the matter with my aunty directly. When I consulted her on December 13, 2010 about the arrived proposal and regarding her daughter, that I have to choose one from these 2 girls, to which she replied, “I will marry my daughter to u but, firstly, I will marry the elder 2”, upon this i immediately asked, “how long will it take?”, to which she replied, “I will tell u the time limit later”.
After this my father had refused the arrived proposal, since we have to choose one from these 2. Alhamdulillah her 4th daughter had got married now. Recently (i.e. about 2.5 years later) when my father asked her the time limit, she replied,”i will not marry my this daughter to your son, as I had already given my 2 elder daughters to 2 of your sons”, the reasons for this are best known to her. Both me and my father were shocked with her reply and got disappointed and my heart has broken into pieces not only for my cousin but also for wasting 2.5 years of my youth, after the acceptance of proposal by my aunty. Is there any sin on my aunty for accepting the proposal and rejecting it after 2.5 years, without mentioning any valid and shariah reason? But me and my cousin want to marry and my father has no objection, only my aunty has an objection. Kindly advise for me, for my father and for my cousin.
In the name of Allah, the most Beneficent, the most Merciful.
There are many ahadeeths about the virtues of getting married.
The Holy Prophet has said: “When a man marries, he has fulfilled half of his religion, so let him fear Allah regarding the remaining half.” (Sunan Baihaqi).
It has also been mentioned through other Ahadeeth that when a suitable proposal arrives, one should not delay in conducting the marriage.
Sayyidna Ali reported that the Holy Prophet has said: Do not delay in three things; 1) the offering of the obligatory prayer. 2) The offering of the funeral prayer when the deceased’s body is present. 3) The marriage of a woman when her couple is found’ (Sunan Tirmidhi p.43 v.1)
Sayyidna Abu Saidul Khudri and Sayyidna Ibn Abbas narrate that the Holy Prophet said: “Whoever has a child, he should give him a good name and teach him how to read and write. And when he matures, he should marry him off. When he matures and the father does not marry him off, then if the boy commits a sin, the sin will be on the father.”(Mishkaatul Masabeeh p.271).
To get ones young sons /daughters married quickly is necessary, especially when it comes to girls. When a suitable proposal has reached them, then to delay the nikaah is a very bad act. And the above mentioned Hadeeth tells us that if the son/ daughter were to commit a sin in this time (i.e. when their marriage is delayed) then the sin will be on the one who has stopped the nikaah taking place.(Fatawah Darul Uloom Deoband p46 v7)
Your Aunty will be regarded sinful for not fulfilling the promise that she had made to you.
Sayyidna Abu Hurrairah narrates thatthe Holy Prophet has said:
“The signs of a hypocrite are three: when he speaks he lies, when he makes a promise he breaks it and when he is given a trust he breaches it.” (Sahih Bukhari p10 v1)
With regards to your situation, I will advise you to do two things. Firstly, pray Salatul Hajah and ask Allah for guidance in this matter. It is narrated by Sayyidna Abdullah Bin Abi Awfah that the Holy Prophet said; “Whoever, has any need from Allah or anyone of his children, let him make Wudhu and let him make it well, then after two rakaats of Salah, praise Allah and invoice benedictions upon the Holy Prophet Sallallahu Alahi Wasalam then say;
LA ILAHA ILAL-LA HUL HALIMUL KARIM. SUBHANAL-LAHIL RABBIL ARSHIL AZIM. ALHAMDULILAHI RABBIL ALAMIN. AS ALUKA MUJIBATI RAHMATIK. WA AZAIMA MAGFIRATIK, WAL GANIMATA MIN KULI BIRR, WAS-SALAMATA MIN KULI ITHM LA TADA LI DHAMBAN ILLA GHAFARTAH WA LA HAMMAN ILLA FARAJTAH, WALA HAJATAN HIYA LAKA RIDAN ILLA QADIYTAHA YA ARHAMAR RAHIMIN.
There is no god but Allah, the most for bearing, most bountiful, glory be to Allah, Lord of the magnificent throne. All praises is for Allah, Lord of the Universe. I beg you for all that causes your mercy, determines Your forgiveness, a wealth of every form of piety and security from every sin. O’Allah, do not leave any sin of mine but that you have forgiven it, nor any worry but that you have uplifted it, nor any need which conforms with your pleasure but that you have fulfilled it, O most merciful of all that show mercy! (Sunan Tirmidhi p.108 v.1)
From the above hadith we can deduce that if any Muslim has any need or problems which need to be fulfilled, then one can pray two rakaats Salatul Hajah read the above dua and ask Allah to fulfil the particular need in question.
Secondly, pray the Istikharah Salah.
Istikharah is to seek guidance from Allah when one is faced with a problem.
It is related by Jabir bin Abdullah that the Holy Prophet used to teach us the way of doing Istikharah, in all matters as he taught us the Surahs of the Quran... (Sahih Al-Bukhari, 2.263)
When making Istikharah a person should perform two Rakats Nafl Salat. Then with all sincerity recite the following Du’a.
Translation: O Allah!! Behold I ask You the good through Your Knowledge, and ability through Your Power, and beg (Your favour) out of Your infinite Bounty. For surely You have Power; I have none. You know all; I know not. You are the Great Knower of all things. O Allah! If in Your Knowledge this matter be good for my faith (Deen), for my livelihood, and for the consequences of my affairs, then ordain it for me, and make it easy for me, and bless me therein. But if in Your Knowledge, this matter be bad for my faith (Deen) for my livelihood, and for the consequences of my affairs, then turn it away from me, and turn me away therefrom, and ordain for me the good wherever it be, and cause me to be pleased therewith.
Imam An-Nawawi has said, “After performing the istikharah, a person must do what he is wholeheartedly inclined to do and feels good about doing and should not insist on doing what he had desired to do before making the istikharah. And if his feelings change, he should leave what he had intended to do, otherwise he is not completely leaving the choice to Allah, and would not be honest in seeking aid from Allah’s power and knowledge. Sincerity in seeking Allah’s choice means that one should completely leave what he himself had desired or determined.” (Fiqhus Sunnah: p.2.v.32)
After performing istikarah the person will (Insha Allah) get guidance from Allah and be inclined towards what is right. It is not necessary that it is seen in a dream or even as a vision while awake. The individual will just feel what is right and should then go on to do the task or make the decision. Some scholars like Imam Ibn Abideen Shami have said that if one sees white or green in his dream then it is a guidance to do that thing. However, if one sees black or red he or she should refrain from it. (Raddul Muhtar p.471 v.2)
You should also take into consideration of consulting with your local Imam or with someone who has a high authority in your family. Try asking them to converse with your Aunty on your behalf. Maybe your Aunty will be persuaded by what they have to say.
Only Allah Knows Best
Written by Molana Ishaaq Hussain
Checked and approved by Mufti Mohammed Tosir Miah
Darul Ifta Birmingham