Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
I cry and feel sad all the time. I think about death. l am not as happy as the day of my wedding. I love my husband but I am not sure if we are still married and if he loves me.
He has said to me, “Why even have a wife?”, “Then you shouldn’t be with me.”, “If you still don’t know (if I love you), you shouldn’t have gotten pregnant. Now you’re screwed up.”
I know that if he wanted a divorce, he would say so. Am I divorced?
Answer
I empathize with the pain that you are feeling. I pray that Allah guides you to relief, happiness and good health.
Sadness
A believer is meant to be cheerful and happy, while keeping the fear of Allah at the forefront of his mind. The Prophet told us, may Allah bless him and give him peace, “Do not belittle any good deed, even meeting your brother (Muslim) with a cheerful face.” [Muslim]
It is even more important for a wife to be loving and happy with her husband, for these are the habits of a good marriage. The Prophet, may Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “Marry the one who is fertile and loving, for I will boast of your great numbers.” [Nasa’i]
Please listen to and read the following lectures about cheerfulness and depression.
The Prophet’s Constant Cheerfulness and Consistently Being Sorrowful- Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
A Believer’s Joy and Sadness
Depression and Sadness.
Death
You said that you often think about your death, this in and of itself is not a bad thing. Ibn Umar said, “A man from among the Ansar came to him (The Prophet) and greeted the Prophet, may Allah bless him and give him peace, with salam. Then he said: ‘O Messenger of Allah, which of the believers is best?’ He said: ‘He who has the best manners among them.’ He said: ‘Which of them is wisest?’ He said: ‘The one who remembers death the most and is best in preparing for it. Those are the wisest.’” [Ibn Maja]
Remembering death often is a trait of a wise believer, but it should not result in his sadness and depression. Rather, it should motivate him to be active, study his religion, offer more worship and have excellent character with those around him. Enjoy the special moments around you and be grateful for them, they will pass by quickly.
Divorce
Don’t worry about the status of your marriage. All is well, your husband did not come anywhere near divorcing you. His words were not plain, nor allusive, nor did he intend it.
Your Marriage
The situation that you describe shows me that your husband loves you and that you love him. You are both only frustrated. Please take a marriage course together, in order to know your obligations and rights with each other:
Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriage, and
Keys to Successful Muslim Marriages: Practical lessons that explain the Prophetic Spirit of Marriage
I want you to make a sincere repentance (tawba) to Allah and turn over a new leaf. Do your best as a wife to stay positive and make the home a happy and cheerful place.
Fill your home with worship, especially praying five times a day, fasting, paying zakat on time, eating only the halal and not complaining to your husband. Read some Quran everyday and get fresh air.
If your husband tells you that he loves you, believe him. Men don’t tend to express these things often, so keep telling him that you love him and he will eventually respond more regularly. A woman usually expresses her love through words and hugs, while a man does it through buying groceries, giving a gift, or another indirect way.
Self-Care
Take care of your own health, by exercising regularly, eating healthy, (try homeopathy for overall wellness) and doing fun activities with your husband and being active in bed.
The most important thing is to put away your negativity for a while. As soon as a negative thought comes to you, bless the Prophet out loud, (Allahumma salli ala Muhammad wa alihi wa sallim) and it will eventually disappear.
In summary, thank Allah for every blessing you have, ask Him for forgiveness for your shortcomings, repent to Him wholeheartedly, change for His sake, and intend to increase your worship and knowledge in order to serve Him and those around you.
May Allah give you and your family success in this life and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.