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What is the proper adab for getting engaged in Islam?

Answered as per Shafi'i Fiqh by Qibla.com

Answered by Shaykh Amjad Rasheed

What is the proper adab for getting engaged in Islam?

Answer:
In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful

The engagement (khitba) is seeking a woman’s hand in marriage and this is recommended to do before the marriage contract. The sunna is that the suitor look at the woman that he wants to marry before the contract [and vice versa], but only at her face and hands. As for her hair, or anything else, it is haram for him to look at, though it is permissible for him to look at her repeatedly if he needs to [s. to make his decision].

It is not permissible for the suitor and woman to be alone together (khalwa) because she is still like a stranger to him until the contract of marriage is completed. However, if there is a man with her, such as her father or brother or another woman, it is permissible for him to sit with them and converse. He must still lower his gaze from her, unless there is a need, because looking at a non-mahram woman (a foreign woman who is not one’s wife or member of unmarriageable kin), in our school, is haram, even if without desire. There is, however, a saying in our school that permits looking at a foreign woman without desire, if one is safe from fitna.

It is recommended, when proposing, that the suitor seek her hand in the following way: that he begin with praise and exaltation of Allah, Most High, then that he send peace and blessings on the Prophet, Allah’s peace and blessings be upon him, and that he urge them to have taqwa (fear and awe) of Allah. Then he should say, “I have come to seek your [precious or your] daughter‘s hand in marriage. If the suitor has authorized another on his behalf, then his agent should say, “My charge has come to you to seek your [precious or your] daughter’s hand in marriage.” Or he can say, “I have come to you on behalf of my charge to seek your [precious or your] daughter’s hand in marriage to him.

Then after the proposal by the suitor or his agent, it is sunna for the girl’s wakil (guardian) or representative to also deliver an answer, similarly. So he should begin with praise and exaltation of Allah, Most High, then send peace and blessings on the Prophet, Allah’s peace and blessings be upon him, and urge them to have taqwa (fear and awe) of Allah. Then he should respond, “I have no objection with you”, or any other expression of acceptance.

It is also permissible for the suitor to give a gift to the girl he is proposing to, actually it is recommended in general, because it brings happiness to the one who receives the gift and it fosters affection between them.

Amjad Rasheed

[Translated by Sr. Shazia Ahmad]

السؤال : ما آدابُ الخِطبة في الإسلام ؟ الجواب : الخطبةُ هي التماسُ نكاح امرأة ، وهي مستحبةٌ قبل العقد ، والسنةُ أن ينظر الرجلُ إلى المرأة التي يريد نكاحَها قبل العقد ، لكن لا ينظر إلا إلى وجهها وكفيها ، أما شعرُ رأسها وغير ذلك فيحرم النظرُ إليه ، ويجوز له تكريرُ النظر إليها بقدر الحاجة . ولا يجوز للخاطب أن يخلو بمخطوبته ؛ لأنها أجنبيةٌ عنه ما لم يتم عقد النكاح ، فإن كان معهما محرمٌ لها كأبيها وأخيها أو امرأةٌ أخرى جاز له أن يجلسَ معها ويتبادلا الحديث ، لكن عليه غضُّ البصر عنها لغير حاجة فالنظرُ إلى الأجنبية عندنا محرمٌ ولو كان بغير شهوة ، وعندنا قولٌ آخر يبيح النظرَ إلى الأجنبية بغير شهوة إن أمنت الفتنة . ويستحب عند الخِطبة أن يخطُب طالبُ الزواج خُطبةً يبدأها بالحمد والثناء على الله تعالى، ثم بالصلاة والسلام على رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم ، ثم يوصي بتقوى الله ، ثم يقول : جئتكم خاطباً كريمتكم أو فتاتكم . وإن كان الخاطبُ قد وكل غيره ليخطب فيقول الوكيلُ: جاءكم مُوَكِّلي يخطبُ كريمتكم أو فتاتكم . أو يقول : جئتكم عن موكلي لأخطب كريمتكم أو فتاتكم له . ثم بعد خطبة الزوج أو موكله يسنُّ لوليِّ البنت أو نائبه أن يخطُب أيضاً ، فيبدأ بالحمد والثناء على الله تعالى ، ثم بالصلاة والسلام على رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم ، ثم يوصي بتقوى الله ، ثم يقول : لست بمرغوب عنك أو نحو ذلك من عبارات القبول . ويجوز للخاطب أن يُهادي خطيبته ، بل الهدية مندوبةٌ بوجه عام لما فيها من إدخال السرور على المهدى إليه وحصول الألفة بينهما .

 

This answer was indexed from Qibla.com, which used to have a repository of Islamic Q&A answered by various scholars. The website is no longer in existence. It has now been transformed into a learning portal with paid Islamic course offering under the brand of Kiflayn.

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