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What If She Is Not Ready for Marriage despite Our Love for One Another?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

I would like to be married to a local girl. My intention was to go to her father directly, but I decided to contact her. She accepted me after we had a conversation and I expressed my feelings to her. I then informed her that I would approach her parents about getting married to her.

She later changed her mind and stated that she was not prepared for marriage. She is still a young woman and does not wish to live a traditional marriage. She is 20 years old. Do you advise that I leave her or not?

Answer

I commend you for wanting to marry a Muslim girl to complete half of your religion. You have a very good intention and I pray that Allah facilitates this for you.

Your first intention of approaching her father was better than approaching her directly. She would have taken you more seriously, and you allowed yourself to begin getting emotionally attached to her. This is not the right way to go about getting married.

However, it is admirable that you are still able to let go if you need to.

Steps

  1. First, pray istikhara and sincerely ask Allah if this girl is good for you and your religion. Follow your istikhara and trust in Allah;
  2. Look to the four criterion of marriage, and see if she suits you, especially in matters of religion. The Prophet, may Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “A woman may be married for four things: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty and her piety. Seek the one who is pious, may your hands be rubbed with dust (may you prosper).” [Bukhari]
  3. If you feel positive about it, speak to her father and tell them that you are serious. As a father, who must know her well, he can tell you if she is ready for marriage or just afraid of commitment;
  4. If she wishes to pursue the topic of marriage with you, address her concerns. Communicate, communicate, communicate. Tell her what you envision married life to be like, and she should tell you the same. Speak to each other about lifelong goals, and priorities in life. Tell her what you expect and she should tell you the same;
  5. Plan to take a course together to learn your personally obligatory knowledge, concerning marriage and beyond. Please see the following links as well:
    Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriage
    Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered
    Lasting Love: What Makes for Successful Marriage?

May Allah give you sucess in this world and the next with a pious partner.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

This answer was collected from Seekersguidance.org. It’s an online learning platform overseen by Sheikh Faraz Rabbani. All courses are free. They also have in-person classes in Canada.

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