Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
I was 5 years old when a guy showed me porn. Other guys sexually harassed me as a homosexual during a great part of my childhood and I couldn’t differentiate what was right from wrong. Many of my relatives and others showed me and did heinous things with me. Moreover, I have been raised in an extremely violent family wherein I have seen my mother beaten like a criminal. My dad would beat me and abuse me in private and in public. I am 25 now but I can’t remember any moment when he smiled at me. This is just my background. Now I am addicted to porn and have done same-gender intercourse, followed by tawba every time. What can you advise me?
Answer
Thank you for your question. I am so very shocked and saddened at your troubles and I pray that your use your victimhood to strengthen your very core and gain a closeness to your Lord like no one else.
Background
After suffering from such a background, I insist that you see a therapist or a counselor to work through your trauma and feelings. You have a right to be listened to, and to give yourself the deserved attention and care. Your abusers will be taken to account for their abuse and their punishment will be fitting, find solace in Allah’s justice.
Take a look at these tips for recovering from childhood sexual abuse. Perhaps you can use them as stepping stones until you meet a professional:
Childhood Sexual Abuse: 13 Stages of Healing
Can Family Members Revictimize Sexual Abuse Survivors?
Care and Commitment: Comfort them and send healing for their wounds of body, soul and spirit.
Tawba
The absolute best thing that you are doing which you should never stop doing is your repentance. The cycle of sin and the cycle of repentance usually don’t persist alongside each other forever; one of the two usually ceases. Your repentance will certainly win if you are consistent and never give up, by the grace of Allah.
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) reinforced this point when he told us, “Allah, Blessed is He and Most High, said: ‘O son of Adam! Verily as long as you called upon Me and hoped in Me, I forgave you, despite whatever may have occurred from you, and I did not mind. O son of Adam! Were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky, then you sought forgiveness from Me, I would forgive you, and I would not mind. O son of Adam! If you came to Me with sins nearly as great as the earth, and then you met Me not associating anything with Me, I would come to you with forgiveness nearly as great as it.’” [Tirmidhi]
Porn Addiction
Please see our many tips on quitting porn at these links:
A Reader on Pornography and Masturbation
Readings on Pornography
Sodomy
There is only one way to end your habit of sodomy. You must go cold turkey and cut it out of your life. Eliminate triggers, cut off contacts, continuously repent, and pick up a hobby or skill set that can keep you busy. Go to the gym, and eat healthily. Even indulging in food is a good way to get rid of the habit, really, anything permissible is.
Please see these links for more details:
How Do I Reconcile Between Wanting To Live as a Homosexual and My Studies To Become a Muslim Scholar?
Sorrow Over Sexual Misdeeds
How Can a Muslim Deal With Homosexual Inclinations?
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.