Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
Parent 1 says Parent 2 verbally abused them, and this isn’t the first time. Should I confront 2, or is this acting on suspicion? It seems every few phone calls I send to parent 2 they abuse 1. What do I do about this, especially if they don’t stop? Also, parent 2 has a history of aggression, and 1 says 2 want to kill them. I know 2 was violent, but should I believe this, considering they’ve had the police called more than once due to violence. What do I do about this? 1 says I should cut ties due to 2 threatening to kill them, but I wasn’t there to hear this. Parent 1 is trustworthy, and I’ve seen 2’s abuse many times. Should I believe 1 or is this suspicion? Should I cut ties with 2, as 1 is very afraid?
Answer
Thank you for your question. It is very complicated to have two parents fighting constantly and I pray that you find some kind of solution to this because it sounds like it is an ongoing problem.
Communicate
Because one parent feels their life is threatened by the other, you should actually bring this up and ask them. God forbid, if something like that happened, you would not want to think that you could have acted but didn’t. Ask your other parent about their intentions and how they can work on keeping their cool. Make them feel like they are accountable for their actions. Help them with anger management. Don’t attack the parent or even believe any side, or take a side, but ask them about the problem between them and offer to help. If your parents were open to therapy or speaking to an imam, that would be wonderful, you could book an appointment for them. Lastly, if your parent truly fears violence, they should never hesitate to call 911.
Pray for Them
That being said, if this is ongoing, and you have tried time and again to help them, to no avail, it is not obligatory for you to keep getting involved. You can simply make dua for them and help them keep calm when they call you to complain. Another way to help your parents is to encourage them to practice Islam. This usually has an effect on one’s character and forces one to have introspection. Give charity on their behalf to help solve this problem. Tell them to pray the Prayer of Need and not to neglect any of their religious obligations. They are blessed to have a child like yourself and I pray that you continue to be good to them.
Turn to Allah
Please remind your parent of this hadith and the powerful dua of the oppressed, especially at auspicious times, like tahajjud. The Prophet, may Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “There are three whose supplication is not rejected: The fasting person when he breaks his fast, the just leader, and the supplication of the oppressed person; Allah raises it up above the clouds and opens the gates of heaven to it. And the Lord says: ‘By My might, I shall surely aid you, even if it should be after a while.’” [Tirmidhi]
Please see these links as well:
My Parents Are Always Fighting. What Do I Do?
My Parents Tend to Fight Very Often: What Should I Do?
How Does a Child Deal With Parents Who Fight Each Other?
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani