Husband not taking proper care of children

Question:

My question is what I can do if my husband is mistreating our children verbally, not teaching them wrong from right, and not paying attention to their childhood like a father should.

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Answer:

You should talk to your husband and make him understand that mistreating children is not what Islam teaches us. The Prophet (s.a.w.) was very kind and gentle with children.

There are many hadiths which bear testimony to this fact. One such hadith is in Sahih al-Bukhari (H: 5997):

أَبَا هُرَيْرَةَ ، رَضِيَ اللَّهُ عَنْهُ ، قَالَ قَبَّلَ رَسُولُ اللهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم الْحَسَنَ بْنَ عَلِيٍّ وَعِنْدَهُ الأَقْرَعُ بْنُ حَابِسٍ التَّمِيمِيُّ جَالِسًا فَقَالَ الأَقْرَعُ إِنَّ لِي عَشَرَةً مِنَ الْوَلَدِ مَا قَبَّلْتُ مِنْهُمْ أَحَدًا فَنَظَرَ إِلَيْهِ رَسُولُ اللهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم ثُمَّ قَالَ مَنْ لاَ يَرْحَمُ لاَ يُرْحَمُ.

Abu Hurayrah (r.a.) said, “The Messenger of Allah (s.a.w.) kissed al-Hasan ibn ‘Ali (r.a.) while Aqra’ ibn Habis al-Tamimi was sitting nearby. Aqra’ remarked, ‘I have ten children and have never kissed any of them.’ The Messenger (s.a.w.) looked at him and said, ‘Those who do not show mercy will not be shown any mercy.’”

You should also stress to your husband that it is his responsibility to teach your children wrong from right. The importance of educating one’s children has been greatly emphasised in Islam, as highlighted by the following hadith of Sunan al-Tirmidhi (H:1951):

جابر بن سمرة قال : قال رسول الله صلى الله عليه و سلم لأن يؤدب الرجل ولده خير من أن يتصدق بصاع

Jabir ibn Samurah said, “The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) remarked, ‘That a man teachs his son good manners is better for him than giving a sa’ in charity.’”

(NB. A sa’ is a unit of measurement in the time of the Prophet s.a.w. equivalent to approximately 2.5- 4 kg today)

It is stated in the Qur’an (20: 131):

وَأْمُرْ أَهْلَكَ بِالصَّلاة

Command your family to establish salah

This shows that it is incumbent upon a person to instruct his family to put in practice the commands of Allah swt.

Imam al-Qurtubi, in the commentary of this verse, writes (vol. 11, p. 263):

: أمره تعالى بأن يأمر أهله بالصلاة وهذا الخطاب للنبي صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ ويدخل في عمومه جميع أمته،

He, the Exalted, instructed him (s.a.w.) to command his family to establish prayer … and this order is for the Prophet (s.a.w.) [in particular] but it applies to his entire nation as well.

Allah (s.w.t.) also defines believers in the Qur’an as those who:

يَأْمُرُونَ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ وَيَنْهَوْنَ عَنِ الْمُنْكَرِ

Command good and forbid evil

It is even more important for a person to do this when it comes to his/her family.

You should advise your husband to be gentle when speaking to your children as Islam underscores the importance of watching what one says.

Mu’adh ibn Jabal (r.a.) says that once he was with the Prophet (s.a.w.) on a journey when the Prophet (s.a.w.) caught hold of his tongue and said:

كف عليك هذا فقلت يا نبي الله وإنا لمؤاخذون مما نتكلم به ؟ فقال ثكلتك أمك يا معاذ وهل يكب الناس في النار على وجوههم أو على مناخرهم إلا حصائد ألسنتهم

“Withold this.” I (Mu’adh) said, “Shall we be called to account for what we say, O Prophet of Allah?” He replied, “May your mother cry over you! (a statement denoting surprise) O Mu‘adh! Does anything other than the harvests of tongues fling people into the Hellfire on their faces or noses?” (Sunan al-Tirmidhi vol.5, p. 11; H: 2616).

All of the above hadiths and Quranic verses highlight the significance of parental duty and courtesy.

After having spoken with your husband, if you still feel he has not changed you should seek the help of your relatives to try and resolve the situation. Or speak to the imam of masjid or someone who can bring some sense in his mind.

May Allah (s.w.t.) make things easy for you, make your husband humble and give him the tawfeeq to fulfil his duty in proper manner. Ameen. (Ismail L 2/12)