Salam,
i dont know how to explain any of my life story to here but i will try…when i was 9 my mom had severe depression and she left to jordan, and came back when i was 14, in the time period she was gone, my dad had molested me…when i was 15 my mom left again, and moved into her own home, and when i was 16, after being molested by my dad for so long i ran away from home… i went to live with my mother and we do not get along at all, i always start to yell because she gets very mean with me and starts to swear at me and i get mad.. i hope Allah forgives me. because i do feel bad and apologize when i feel like iv hurt her.
A while before i ran away from home, i felt alone and depressed until i met a boy, who was jewish.. somehow i fell inlove with him and trusted him and we had sex and carried our relationship further on such as planned to get married one day.
I am now living with my mom, but i cant stay with her for long because she lives in a senior home and im not allowed to stay there, so i will be living on my own with government housing..i am not seeing that jewish boy any longer
but now as you see, i have broken soo many of the islamic law, like obeying your parents, – i cant do that anymore i dont see my parents, also, i have had sex before marriage and i still sometimes see the jewish boy as a friend, because he has helped me alot in the past and i still love him…
i dont know what to do..i think i have no chance in heaven and i need help…
inshallah you can provide me with answers..
In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful
Assalaamu `alaykum waRahmatullahi Wabarakatuh
Indeed, it is sad to know of the unfortunate events that have taken place in your life, including the despicable actions of your father. There is no denying that you have been through difficult times and made some mistakes in the process.
Despite the disgraceful actions of your father, you need to find it in your heart to forgive him. Imām Bukhārī narrates,
حدثنا حجاج قال حدثنا حماد هو بن سلمة عن سليمان التيمي عن سعيد القيسي عن بن عباس قال : ما من مسلم له والدان مسلمان يصبح إليهما محتسبا إلا فتح له الله بابين يعنى من الجنة وإن كان واحد فواحد وإن اغضب أحدهما لم يرض الله عنه حتى يرضى عنه قيل وإن ظلماه قال وإن ظلماه
(الأدب المفرد، باب بر والديه وإن ظلما: ص 16؛ البشائر)
No Muslim who has both parents treats them well hoping for reward from Allāh except that Allāh opens two doors for him, meaning from Paradise. And if only one is alive, then one door. And if any one of them is upset with him, then Allāh will not be pleased with him until his parent is pleased with him. It was asked, “Even if they oppress him?” Ibn Abbās replied, “Even if they oppress him” (al-Adab al-Mufrad)
Although it might be difficult for you to forgive him, you should realize that you are doing it for the pleasure of Allāh Ta’ālā. Allāh Ta’ālā says,
وَلْيَعْفُوا وَلْيَصْفَحُوا أَلَا تُحِبُّونَ أَنْ يَغْفِرَ اللَّهُ لَكُمْ وَاللَّهُ غَفُورٌ رَحِيمٌ (النور: 22)
And forgive and pardon. Do you not like that Allāh forgives you? And Allāh is the Most-Forgiving, Most-Merciful (Qur’ān 24:22)
Similarly, if you feel that your mother has wronged you in anyway, then you should forgive her. Even if you feel your mother is being mean and she uses abusive language towards you, it is not permissible for you to yell at or mistreat her. If your mother breaks the commands of Allāh Ta’ālā, it does not mean you should do so, as well. Allāh Ta’ālā clearly states,
وَقَضَى رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوا إِلَّا إِيَّاهُ وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِنْدَكَ الْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَا أَوْ كِلَاهُمَا فَلَا تَقُلْ لَهُمَا أُفٍّ وَلَا تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُلْ لَهُمَا قَوْلًا كَرِيمًا (الإسراء: 23)
And your Lord has decreed that you worship non but Him and that you be dutiful to your parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them, but address them in terms of honor (Qur’ān 17:23)
Hence, you should regularly visit your mother and treat her in the best possible manner, regardless of her treatment of you. Eventually, when she sees your kind behavior towards her, her attitude towards you will start to change, inshāAllāh.
Furthermore, the relationship you had with the Jewish boy was, indeed, an enormous sin. However, it is not correct for you to think that you have no chance of entering Heaven. In a hadīth qudsī, the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم said,
حدثنا أبو اليمان أخبرنا شعيب حدثنا أبو الزناد عن الأعرج عن أبي هريرة أن رسول الله صلى الله عليه و سلم قال قال الله أنا عند ظن عبدي بي
(صحيح البخاري، كتاب التوحيد، باب قول الله تعالى يريدون أن يبدلوا كلام الله: 6/2725؛ ابن كثير)
Allāh said, “I will treat My servant according to how he thinks of Me” (Bukhārī)
Therefore, you should always think that Allāh Ta’ālā will forgive you, especially since Allāh Ta’ālā provides comfort to His servants in the Qur’ān by saying,
قُلْ يَا عِبَادِيَ الَّذِينَ أَسْرَفُوا عَلَى أَنْفُسِهِمْ لَا تَقْنَطُوا مِنْ رَحْمَةِ اللَّهِ إِنَّ اللَّهَ يَغْفِرُ الذُّنُوبَ جَمِيعًا إِنَّهُ هُوَ الْغَفُورُ الرَّحِيمُ (الزمر: 53)
Say, “O Slaves of Mine who have transgressed against themselves! Do not despair from the mercy of Allāh. Verily, Allāh forgives all sins. Truly, he is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful. (Qur’ān 39:53)
You should have peace in your heart that Allāh Ta’ālā will forgive you. However, it is necessary for you to completely abstain from the sin, i.e. informal relations with a non-mahram boy, as Allāh Ta’ālā also mentioned,
وَالَّذِينَ إِذَا فَعَلُوا فَاحِشَةً أَوْ ظَلَمُوا أَنْفُسَهُمْ ذَكَرُوا اللَّهَ فَاسْتَغْفَرُوا لِذُنُوبِهِمْ وَمَنْ يَغْفِرُ الذُّنُوبَ إِلَّا اللَّهُ وَلَمْ يُصِرُّوا عَلَى مَا فَعَلُوا وَهُمْ يَعْلَمُونَ (آل عمران: 135)
And those who, when they commit a shameful deed or wrong themselves, remember Allāh and seek forgiveness for their sins. And who forgives sins except for Allāh? And they do not persist in what they have done, while they know. (Qur’ān 3:135)
Therefore, you should sever all informal relations with this boy. It is incorrect to consider marrying him one day, as a Muslim woman cannot marry a non-Muslim man. Since the Jewish boy did help you in the past, as you mentioned, you should make du’ā to Allāh Ta’ālā for him that Allāh Ta’ālā guides him to Islām.
You should talk to your local imām, relatives, friends, etc. and ask them to look for a nice, religious Muslim boy for you. InshāAllāh, when you get married to a pious Muslim, a lot of your current difficulties will get easier.
Until this happens, you should try to get closer to Allāh Ta’ālā and make plenty of du’ā to Him. May Allāh Ta’ālā make it easy for you. Āmīn.
And Allah knows best
Wassalaamu `alaykum
Ml. Abrar Mirza,
Student Darul Iftaa
Darul Iftaa, Madrassah In’aamiyyah