Question
I’m having marital problems. I have a 7-month-old child and have put on weight all of a sudden. I feel tired and drained all the time. My friends and wife say my eyes look dark and I don’t look well. I struggle reading and listening to Qur’an, and praying. I get angry at my wife over nothing but won’t have any control over what I’m saying or doing until it’s too late I have raised my hand to her. I don’t feel like myself and I can’t control what I’m doing or saying.
Answer
Assalamu alaykum,
Thank you for your question. I am sorry that you feel this sense of confusion and chaos in your life. By the grace of Allah, you can fix it.
Turn to Allah
First, keep this saying of one of the great saints, at the forefront of your mind: “Nothing is difficult if you seek it through your Lord. Nothing is easy if you seek it through yourself. [Ibn Ata’allah] Digest this and seek to change with Allah’s help. How can you garner Allah’s help?
Pray on time, push through it, learn about your religion, take a class on halal and haram of daily life, and continue to read Qur’an daily, even if it’s only half a page or less. Most importantly, get up before dawn to supplicate, repent for your mistakes, pray the Prayer of Need daily. Recite the last three verses of surah Baqarah before bed, and Ayatul Kursi, and the last three ‘quls‘ of the Qur’an. Bless the Prophet, (Allah bless him and give him peace), morning and evening and recite these du’as:
How Does One Perform The Prayer Of Need (salat al-haja)?
Selected Prophetic Prayers for Spiritual, Physical and Emotional Wellbeing by Chaplain Ibrahim Long
Look at your life
Look at your life from A to Z. Are you doing something haram day in day out? What are you looking at? What do you listen to? Do you deal with interest? I would do an immediate spiritual detox, and turn off social media, watch less TV, and read more. You absolutely must exercise and stop eating junk food, especially sugar, and take vitamins, especially vitamin D.
You will regain your mental focus and clarity from these. Consider anger management classes and taking peaceful walks outside. Surround yourself with positive, religious friends. It can make all the difference in improving yourself. Consider homeopathy as I have seen it make dark circles under the eyes disappear.
Marriage
As for your marriage, I can see that you have hurt your wife and feel guilty about it. This is a very good first step. Work on figuring out your triggers and apply the prophetic advice to your anger so you don’t take it out on your wife or child.
The Messenger of Allah, (Allah bless him and give him peace), said to us, “When one of you becomes angry while standing, he should sit down. If the anger leaves him, well and good; otherwise he should lie down.“ [Abu Dawud]
Move forward
Communicate to your wife that you regret your actions, have repented and that you want to change. Ask her to help you change. Open the door of expressing your feelings and showing her that you care about her. You can come back from this and you have control.
Don’t let the Shaytan inundate you with thoughts of hopelessness and use this formula against him: A`udhu biLlahi min al-shaytan al-rajeem. Take a course on marriage here and on the prophetic seerah, so that you can understand what kind of man the Messenger of Allah was and how to emulate him, Allah bless him and give him peace.
Please see these resources:
Marriage in Islam – SeekersGuidance Course
Muslim Scholars On Spousal Abuse
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.