Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
I am a 28-year-old unmarried female, from a typical conservative family, and have been thinking of moving out.
Recently, the abusive nature of my mother has gotten out of hand. Physical abuse has been common for as long as I can remember but recently her cursing and threatening dua against us, have gotten worse too. She refuses to hear about her faults. Recently, she has been going after me for earning money and relating it to my bad nature, and saying she won’t let me work anymore but make me stay home and do chores. I want to get out of this place to get mental peace but there will be a war before that happens.
Answer
Thank you for your question. I am sorry that you are putting up with so much abuse and negativity in your home. I pray that you can come to an understanding with your mother, and protect yourself while maintaining respect for her.
Moving Out
It is permissible for you to move out, especially if your mother is harming you as it is obligatory to prevent abuse to yourself. You may plan to do so, but keep in mind that marriage is also an option. I know that one cannot control the timing of marriage, but can control when they move out, but you would do well to make dua for a righteous husband, in the meantime. Please pray istikhara about moving out, ready your finances, look for roommates, and see more details here about moving out. Start having a conversation with a local imam, friends, or other elders about how realistic your plan is.
You might benefit from the following links:
I Am a Young, Unmarried Woman in a Chaotic Family Home. Is It Permissible for Me to Move Out?
As a Woman, Can I Move Out of My Abusive Mother’s Home?
Therapy
Anyone who has to deal with negativity and abuse at home should be able to speak with someone, a professional, if possible. I highly recommend that you seek out your local imam, elders, relatives, a teacher, or even a counselor or therapist. It’s important to be able to heal from this and make sure that you don’t continue the cycle with your own kids. Educating yourself about these behaviors, and spending time with pious people with good character can do wonders to break the cycle.
In the Meantime
Until you leave, you must have a plan of action to be able to endure life in your home. Try these tips:
- Ask your father, can he speak to your mother? Can an aunt, uncle, or grandparent speak to her to cut you some slack?
- Try these tips for dealing with your mother:
6 Ways To Deal With Emotionally Abusive Parents - Do small things for her that make her happy like picking her up a coffee, or just calling her to see if she needs anything during the day
- Ask her to pray with you, bond with her in any way that you can
- Restrain yourself when she makes you angry, simply staying quiet, is great respect and honor, and you will be rewarded for it.
- After an argument is over, tell her that it will be easier for you to listen to her if she can keep calm, and not hit you.
- Get exercise and fresh air daily in order to counter this negativity with something positive
- Spend time with friends and family who are a positive, religious, influence in your life.
- Turn to Allah wholeheartedly with your five prayers on time, tahajjud before dawn, and daily recitation of Quran, even if only a little, and much supplication.
- Keep this important hadith in mind: “There are three whose supplication is not rejected: The fasting person when he breaks his fast, the just leader, and the supplication of the oppressed person; Allah raises it up above the clouds and opens the gates of heaven to it. And the Lord says: ‘By My might, I shall surely aid you, even if it should be after a while.’” [Tirmidhi]
Please see the tips here as well:
How Do I Deal with My Abusive, Toxic, and Mentally Ill Mother
How Should I Handle Abusive Parents?
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani