I’m depressed, and I hate myself so much. I’ve been horrible to my parents. I’ve been really the worst. I’ve lost hope about ever becoming a good person. No matter how often I repent to Allah, I always return to the same sins. I’ve broken my precious parents so many times; they are so good, and I don’t deserve them. I want to change. How can I fix my relationship with Allah and my parents?
Thank you for your follow-up question. I am sorry that you are in so much pain and that you feel that your parents don’t deserve you. The opportunity to change is in front of you, you just have to take it.
The first thing that you should know is that Allah is prepared to forgive you. He tells us in His book, “Say, ˹O Prophet, that Allah says,˺ “O My servants who have exceeded the limits against their souls! Do not lose hope in Allah’s mercy, for Allah certainly forgives all sins. He is indeed the All-Forgiving, Most Merciful. [Qur’an, 39:53]
There is nothing that you have done that cannot be forgiven; find solace in that. Continue your tawba as you have, and be assured that one day, you will not return to these sins. Always keep trying, and know that the battle between sinning and repenting is constant and that eventually, one will defeat the other. Don’t let the sinning win.
In general, fight depression with exercise, healthy eating, supplements, a spiritual routine, prayer, dhikr, and volunteer work for those less fortunate. Please consider following up with a professional and talking to people that you feel comfortable with.
As for your parents, take some steps to start mending this relationship. Ask yourself why you are mean to them, figure out what your triggers are, keep a respectful distance from them if you can’t control your emotions, and apologize. Ask them to help you to be good to them. Keep the company of religious and positive people and learn your religion as well as you can. Usually, when someone is looking for a real deep change, they can only do this through knowledge. Please read the excellent, practical advice in these links:
Ridding Oneself of Depression and Suicidal Thoughts
I Feel Depressed From My Cycle of Sin and Repentance. What Should I Do?
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.