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Respect Of One’s Parents

Answered according to Hanafi Fiqh by Darulifta Azaadville

Question:

I hope you can help me advise me on a situation that I am in.

Its regarding parents. I know the importance of parents in islam and the respect that one needs to show towards ones parents but I find it very difficult living up to my parents expectations. They are always comparing me to my younger brother and clearly he has always been the favourite. He cannot do anything wrong and me and my wife and children are looked down upon and criticized.

The second thing is that my father has always been a very rude, and abrupt person and always says things out of turn and is very hurtful to me and my family. Even though I dont ever say anything even when I get upset, I tend to stay away from visiting them and this is a big issue for them as my brother visits very often.

The only reason I dont visit them is the way my father speaks to me and my wife and daughters.

He is also very rude to my mother. The only person he is never rude to and respects is my younger brother. My brother is the world to him and it really hurts me that he can never see good in me. 

My mother gets upsets with me when I dont visit but I dont want to tell her the reason, also she will deny that my father is like that.

Please advise me on how to navigate this situation without earning the displeasure of Allah.

I want to make their khidmat but it’s just so difficult going there because it makes me very anxious and I always leave upset.

Answer:

The parents hold an extremely high status in Islaam, Allah Subhaanahu Wata’aala says in the Quraan:

1.     وَقَضَى رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوا إِلَّا إِيَّاهُ وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِنْدَكَ الْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَا أَوْ كِلَاهُمَا فَلَا تَقُلْ لَهُمَا أُفٍّ وَلَا تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُلْ لَهُمَا قَوْلًا كَرِيمًا  وَاخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ الذُّلِّ مِنَ الرَّحْمَةِ وَقُلْ رَبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا } [الإسراء: 23، 24]

“And your Rabb has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age (while) with you, say not to them (so much as), “uff”, and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word.”

“And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy and say, “My Rabb, have mercy upon them as they brought me up (when I was) small.” 

2.     وَوَصَّيْنَا الْإِنْسَانَ بِوَالِدَيْهِ حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُ وَهْنًا عَلَى وَهْنٍ وَفِصَالُهُ فِي عَامَيْنِ أَنِ اشْكُرْ لِي وَلِوَالِدَيْكَ إِلَيَّ الْمَصِيرُ (14) وَإِنْ جَاهَدَاكَ عَلَى أَنْ تُشْرِكَ بِي مَا لَيْسَ لَكَ بِهِ عِلْمٌ فَلَا تُطِعْهُمَا وَصَاحِبْهُمَا فِي الدُّنْيَا مَعْرُوفًا وَاتَّبِعْ سَبِيلَ مَنْ أَنَابَ إِلَيَّ ثُمَّ إِلَيَّ مَرْجِعُكُمْ فَأُنَبِّئُكُمْ بِمَا كُنْتُمْ تَعْمَلُونَ} [لقمان: 14، 15]

“And We have enjoined upon man (care) for his parents. His mother carried him, (increasing her) in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years. Be grateful to Me and to your parents, to Me is the (final) destination.”

“But if they endeavor to make you associate with Me that of which you have no knowledge, do not obey them but accompany them in (this) world with appropriate kindness and follow the way of those who turn back to Me (in repentance). Then to Me will be your return, and I will inform you about what you used to do.” 

3.     وَالَّذِي قَالَ لِوَالِدَيْهِ أُفٍّ لَكُمَا أَتَعِدَانِنِي أَنْ أُخْرَجَ وَقَدْ خَلَتِ الْقُرُونُ مِنْ قَبْلِي وَهُمَا يَسْتَغِيثَانِ اللَّهَ وَيْلَكَ آمِنْ إِنَّ وَعْدَ اللَّهِ حَقٌّ فَيَقُولُ مَا هَذَا إِلَّا أَسَاطِيرُ الْأَوَّلِينَ} [الأحقاف: 17]

“But one who says to his parents, “Uff to you, do you promise me that I will be brought forth (from the earth) when generations before me have already passed on (into oblivion)?” while they call to Allah for help and said, “Woe to you! Believe! Indeed, the promise of Allah is truth, “But he says, “This is not but legends of the former people.”

 At the same time our beloved master Nabisays regarding respecting one’s parents:

حَدَّثَنَا صَاحِبُ – هَذِهِ الدَّارِ وَأَشَارَ إِلَى دَارِ – عَبْدِ اللَّهِ، قَالَ: سَأَلْتُ النَّبِيَّ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ: أَيُّ العَمَلِ أَحَبُّ إِلَى اللَّهِ؟ قَالَ: «الصَّلاَةُ عَلَى وَقْتِهَا»، قَالَ: ثُمَّ أَيٌّ؟ قَالَ: «ثُمَّ بِرُّ الوَالِدَيْنِ» قَالَ: ثُمَّ أَيٌّ؟ قَالَ: «الجِهَادُ فِي سَبِيلِ اللَّهِ» قَالَ: حَدَّثَنِي بِهِنَّ، وَلَوِ اسْتَزَدْتُهُ لَزَادَنِي (صحيح البخاري 1112)

“I asked Nabi“What is the main deeds? “He replied,” Praying in time. “I asked again:” Then what else? “He replied,” Devotion toward parents. “I asked again,” Then what else? “He replied,” Jihad in the way of Allah.” 

4.     حَدثنا أَبُو حَفْصٍ عَمْرُو بْنُ عَلِيٍّ, قَالَ: حَدثنا خَالِدُ بْنُ الحَارِثِ, عَنْ شُعْبَةَ, عَنْ يَعْلَى بْنِ عَطَاءٍ, عَنْ أَبِيهِ, عَنْ عَبدِ اللهِ بْنِ عَمْرٍو, عَنِ النَّبِيِّ صَلى الله عَليه وسَلم قَالَ: رِضَا الرَّبِّ فِي رِضَا الوَالِدِ, وَسَخَطُ الرَّبِّ فِي سَخَطِ الوَالِدِ ( سنن الترمذي 3200 دار التأصيل)

Nabi Sallalahu Alaihi Wa Sallam said: The pleasure of Allah is in the pleasure of the father and the displeasure of Allah is in the displeasure of the father

 5.     حَدَّثَنَا مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ الصَّبَّاحِ قَالَ: حَدَّثَنَا سُفْيَانُ بْنُ عُيَيْنَةَ، عَنْ عَطَاءٍ، عَنْ أَبِي عَبْدِ الرَّحْمَنِ، عَنْ أَبِي الدَّرْدَاءِ، سَمِعَ النَّبِيَّ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ يَقُولُ: «الْوَالِدُ أَوْسَطُ أَبْوَابِ الْجَنَّةِ، فَأَضِعْ ذَلِكَ الْبَابَ أَوِ احْفَظْهُ (سنن إبن ماجه 21208)»

Nabi Sallalahu Alaihi Wa Sallam said: The father is the middle door into Jannah so either discard that door of protect it

 6.     حَدَّثَنَا مُسْلِمُ بْنُ إِبْرَاهِيمَ، حَدَّثَنَا هِشَامٌ الدَّسْتُوَائِيُّ، عَنْ يَحْيَى، عَنْ أَبِي جَعْفَرٍ، عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ، أَنَّ النَّبِيَّ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ قَالَ: ” ثَلَاثُ دَعَوَاتٍ مُسْتَجَابَاتٌ لَا شَكَّ فِيهِنَّ: دَعْوَةُ الْوَالِدِ، وَدَعْوَةُ الْمُسَافِرِ، وَدَعْوَةُ الْمَظْلُومِ (سنن أبي داود 289)

Nabi Sallalahu Alaihi Wa Sallam said: Three such types of supplications are accepted without any doubt, The supplication of the father, the supplication of the traveller and the supplication of the oppressed

The dictates of Islaam are that in whatever situation, we are obligated to obey our parents. In this lies the happiness of Allah Subhaanahu Wata’aala and that is the only way to success in this Dunya, Qabr and Aakhirah 

 It is possible that your father is looking out for what is in your best interest so bear with him and have patience because verily Allah Subhaanahu Wata’aala is with those who are patient. Allah Subhaanahu Wata’aala says: Seek help and aid with Sabr and Salaah, so be patient and increase in your Salaah with devotion then Insha-Allah the road ahead will open up and become smooth sailing. With this try to increase in abundance of Istighfaar because verily our beloved Nabi  Sallalahu Alaihi Wa Sallam has said: “Whoever persists in asking for forgiveness, Allah will grant him relief from every worry, and a way out from every hardship, and will grant him provision from (sources) he could never imagine.”

Continue to visit your parents with a clean heart, forgive and overlook all of what happened in the past and keep in mind what a great Ibadah you are doing and what great rewards you will reap for it. Never lose hope is the Mercy of Allah Subhaanahu Wata’aala   

If possible, try and take a small gift for your father every time you go and visit, this will Insha-Allah soften his heart towards you. And when your father is being rude and vulgar towards you then try your best to show respect at that time and lower your head down without showing any disrespect at all.

May Allah Subhaanahu Wata’aala reward you abundantly for your sacrifice, may he grant you steadfastness in your efforts, may he soften your fathers’ heart towards you and your family and may he make you the coolness of your parent’s eyes Ameen.

Checked and Approved By:

Mufti Muhammed Saeed Motara Saheb D.B.

This answer was collected from the official Ifta website of Darul Uloom Azaadville, South Africa. Most of the answers are checked and approved by Mufti Muhammed Saeed Motara Saheb D.B.

Find more answers indexed from: Darulifta Azaadville
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