Question about my daughter and my husband who are in a bad relationship?
I am a married for 25 year and I have 5 siblings. Recently I found out my husband is cheating on the internet and he love looking at young girl who are almost the age of my daughters. When I approach him about that issue; he is say that a man is allowed to have two wives. He said that when a man marries the second time Allah will make him rich. The Quran has allowed man to marry twice without the permission of first wife. He also forces my son to get married who has student loan and as well presently he does not have the financial ability to support a wife. When I refuse to marry my son, he said I am disobedient.
My husband, himself is heavily in debt and all my kids go to school so they will not be able to support me if he marries second time. He even sometime says he will divorce me. My kids are behind in school because they had to start everything new as we have immigrated to Canada. I have a daughter who is like her dad and she never listens to me .
She is twenty four years old and has a boyfriend and she always come home very late and as well she talks on the phone till very late at night. Her boyfriend made her drop out of school and look like the boyfriend is doing some illegal traction like drug. Like my husband and I tried to explain to her and she get very angry. I told her that I can look a nice Muslim guy for her but she refuse and she want only her boyfriend. As a wife and parent what should I do? I hope to get a reply! Allah HAFIZ
In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful
Assalaamu `alaykum waRahmatullahi Wabarakatuh
The issues mentioned in your question can be grouped into three, i.e. those related to your husband, your son, and your daughter. Each will be addressed separately.
First, it is utterly shameful and harām for your husband to look at non-mahram women on the internet. Allāh Ta’ālā says in the Qur’ān,
قُلْ لِلْمُؤْمِنِينَ يَغُضُّوا مِنْ أَبْصَارِهِمْ وَيَحْفَظُوا فُرُوجَهُمْ ذَلِكَ أَزْكَى لَهُمْ إِنَّ اللَّهَ خَبِيرٌ بِمَا يَصْنَعُونَ (النور: 30)
Say (O Prophet) to the believing men to lower their gaze and guard their chastity. That is purer for them. Verily, Allāh is All-Aware of what they do (Qur’ān 24:30)
Although a man may marry more than one wife, albeit with certain conditions, it in no way justifies looking at other women on the internet. The Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم advised ‘Alī رضي الله عنه,
حدثنا علي بن حجر أخبرنا شريك عن أبي ربيعة عن ابن بريدة عن أبيه قال : يا علي لا تتبع النظرة النظرة فإن لك الأولى وليست لك الآخرة (سنن الترمذي، كتاب الأدب، باب نظرة المفاجأة: 5/101؛ إحياء التراث)
“O ‘Alī, do not follow one glance (at a strange woman) with another glance. Verily, you were allowed the first (accidental glance), but not the second” (Tirmidhī)
Before considering to marry a second wife and taking on additional responsibilities, he should first try to fulfill the responsibilities he currently has, namely, improving his family situation at home. Before worrying about getting himself married, he should be concerned about his son’s marriage before the son falls into harām and his daughter’s marriage who has already fallen into harām.
In addition, it is highly irresponsible of your husband to threaten you with divorce. Continued irresponsibility in such a grave matter might lead to grievous and regretful circumstances at home, may Allāh Ta’ālā forbid. Your husband should always remind himself of the following verse before speaking:
مَا يَلْفِظُ مِنْ قَوْلٍ إِلَّا لَدَيْهِ رَقِيبٌ عَتِيدٌ (ق: 18)
Not a word does he speak except that there is a watcher ready (to record it) (Qur’ān 50:18)
Second, you and your husband should encourage and support your son’s marriage. As is evident in your daughter’s case, many Muslim youth are committing harām actions due to the widespread fitnahs around them. In order to protect themselves, it is essential for them to marry at an early age. Regarding the benefits of the youth marrying early, the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم has mentioned,
حدثنا عمر بن حفص بن غياث حدثنا أبي حدثنا الأعشى قال حدثني عمارة عن عبد الرحمن بن يزيد قال دخلت مع علقمة الأسود على عبد الله فقال عبد الله كنا مع النبي صلى الله عليه و سلم شبابا لا نجد فقال لنا رسول الله صلى الله عليه و سلم يا معشر الشباب من استطاع الباءة فليتزوج فإنه أغض للبصر وأحصن للفرج ومن لم يستطع فعليه بالصوم فإنه له وجاء
(صحيح البخاري، كتاب النكاح، باب من لم يستطع الباءة فليصم: 5/1950؛ ابن كثير)
“O youth, whoever amongst you is able to marry, then let him marry. Surely, it helps lower the gaze and protect the private parts. And whoever is not able (to marry), then he must fast, for it decreases his desires” (Bukhārī)
Even though your son’s finances are limited, a simple nikāh in the Masjid and a one-dish walīmah to a few close relatives or friends would not be expensive. There is no need for a grand wedding and an elegant reception. InshāAllāh, with the proper intention for marriage, abundant du’ās, and sincere effort, Allāh Ta’ālā will provide barakah in his income.
وَأَنْكِحُوا الْأَيَامَى مِنْكُمْ وَالصَّالِحِينَ مِنْ عِبَادِكُمْ وَإِمَائِكُمْ إِنْ يَكُونُوا فُقَرَاءَ يُغْنِهِمُ اللَّهُ مِنْ فَضْلِهِ وَاللَّهُ وَاسِعٌ عَلِيمٌ (النور: 32)
And marry those among you who are single and your male and female pious slaves. If they are poor, Allāh will enrich them from His bounty. And Allāh is All-Sufficient, All-Knowing (Qur’ān 24:32)
As for your daughter, you need to, first, explain to her what the Qur’ān says regarding interaction with one’s parents. Allāh Ta’ālā says,
وَقَضَى رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوا إِلَّا إِيَّاهُ وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِنْدَكَ الْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَا أَوْ كِلَاهُمَا فَلَا تَقُلْ لَهُمَا أُفٍّ وَلَا تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُلْ لَهُمَا قَوْلًا كَرِيمًا (الإسراء: 23)
And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him and that you be dutiful to your parents. If one or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disagreement (uff) nor scold them, but address them in an honorable way (Qur’ān: 17:23)
Similar orders to obey and respect one’s parents are mentioned in various places throughout the Qur’ān, including surahs al-Baqarah, al-Nisā’, al-An’ām, al-‘Ankabūt, Luqmān, and al-Ahqāf [i].
Next, tell her that her intermingling with a non-mahram goes completely against the laws of Allāh Ta’ālā. When Muslims are commanded to lower their gaze, then how could keeping a boyfriend/girlfriend be sanctioned by the Sharī’ah?
The relationship between her and the other male is harām, due to which it will lack the blessings of Allāh Ta’ālā. The outcome of such a relationship which is devoid of the mercy and blessings of Allāh Ta’ālā cannot be positive. Therefore, the mature and correct way for her to plan her future is within the guidelines and limits set by Allāh Ta’ālā in the Qur’ān.
Furthermore, due to your daughter’s harām acts, she should fear punishment from Allāh Ta’ālā not only in the Hereafter, but also in this world in the form of your granddaughter giving your daughter the same difficulties your daughter is giving you (May Allāh forbid).
Finally, you should make abundant du’ās to Allāh Ta’ālā to improve the situation in your home. Additionally, you should seek the guidance and services of your local Imām who will be able to help you in making a continuous progress in your issues, inshāAllāh. May Allāh Ta’ālā make it easy for you and reward you for your patience. Āmīn.
[i]
وَوَصَّيْنَا الْإِنْسَانَ بِوَالِدَيْهِ إِحْسَانًا حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُ كُرْهًا وَوَضَعَتْهُ كُرْهًا وَحَمْلُهُ وَفِصَالُهُ ثَلَاثُونَ شَهْرًا حَتَّى إِذَا بَلَغَ أَشُدَّهُ وَبَلَغَ أَرْبَعِينَ سَنَةً قَالَ رَبِّ أَوْزِعْنِي أَنْ أَشْكُرَ نِعْمَتَكَ الَّتِي أَنْعَمْتَ عَلَيَّ وَعَلَى وَالِدَيَّ وَأَنْ أَعْمَلَ صَالِحًا تَرْضَاهُ وَأَصْلِحْ لِي فِي ذُرِّيَّتِي إِنِّي تُبْتُ إِلَيْكَ وَإِنِّي مِنَ الْمُسْلِمِينَ (الأحقاف: 15)
وَإِذْ أَخَذْنَا مِيثَاقَ بَنِي إِسْرَائِيلَ لَا تَعْبُدُونَ إِلَّا اللَّهَ وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا وَذِي الْقُرْبَى وَالْيَتَامَى وَالْمَسَاكِينِ وَقُولُوا لِلنَّاسِ حُسْنًا وَأَقِيمُوا الصَّلَاةَ وَآتُوا الزَّكَاةَ ثُمَّ تَوَلَّيْتُمْ إِلَّا قَلِيلًا مِنْكُمْ وَأَنْتُمْ مُعْرِضُونَ (البقرة: 83)
وَاعْبُدُوا اللَّهَ وَلَا تُشْرِكُوا بِهِ شَيْئًا وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا وَبِذِي الْقُرْبَى وَالْيَتَامَى وَالْمَسَاكِينِ وَالْجَارِ ذِي الْقُرْبَى وَالْجَارِ الْجُنُبِ وَالصَّاحِبِ بِالْجَنْبِ وَابْنِ السَّبِيلِ وَمَا مَلَكَتْ أَيْمَانُكُمْ إِنَّ اللَّهَ لَا يُحِبُّ مَنْ كَانَ مُخْتَالًا فَخُورًا (النساء: 36)
قُلْ تَعَالَوْا أَتْلُ مَا حَرَّمَ رَبُّكُمْ عَلَيْكُمْ أَلَّا تُشْرِكُوا بِهِ شَيْئًا وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا وَلَا تَقْتُلُوا أَوْلَادَكُمْ مِنْ إِمْلَاقٍ نَحْنُ نَرْزُقُكُمْ وَإِيَّاهُمْ وَلَا تَقْرَبُوا الْفَوَاحِشَ مَا ظَهَرَ مِنْهَا وَمَا بَطَنَ وَلَا تَقْتُلُوا النَّفْسَ الَّتِي حَرَّمَ اللَّهُ إِلَّا بِالْحَقِّ ذَلِكُمْ وَصَّاكُمْ بِهِ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَعْقِلُونَ (الأنعام: 151)
وَوَصَّيْنَا الْإِنْسَانَ بِوَالِدَيْهِ حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُ وَهْنًا عَلَى وَهْنٍ وَفِصَالُهُ فِي عَامَيْنِ أَنِ اشْكُرْ لِي وَلِوَالِدَيْكَ إِلَيَّ الْمَصِيرُ (لقمان: 14)
وَوَصَّيْنَا الْإِنْسَانَ بِوَالِدَيْهِ حُسْنًا وَإِنْ جَاهَدَاكَ لِتُشْرِكَ بِي مَا لَيْسَ لَكَ بِهِ عِلْمٌ فَلَا تُطِعْهُمَا إِلَيَّ مَرْجِعُكُمْ فَأُنَبِّئُكُمْ بِمَا كُنْتُمْ تَعْمَلُونَ (العنكبوت: 8)
And Allah knows best
Wassalaamu `alaykum
Ml. Abrar Mirza,
Student Darul Iftaa
Checked and Approved by:
Mufti Ebrahim Desai
Darul Iftaa, Madrassah In’aamiyyah