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I am losing control of my kids

Answered as per Hanafi Fiqh by Askimam.org

Assalam Alaikum Mufti Sahab,

I recently attended your seminar. I have the following URGENT question and I apologize for the rush.

I have been trying very hard to bring up my children in an Islamic environment, However, things are not going as I expected. The children are 15 years old and doing hifz. THey keep lying about what they are reading and keep procrastinating their sabak. On top of that they are trying to listen to music and watch movies on YouTube without my knowledge. Also their attitude is becoming very bad that they yell when confronted or they stay upset (not talking or eating). I am obviously very concerned as to what to do and how to handle this. Not sure what am I doing wrong in the upbringing. Looking for some advice



In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.

Children are easily influenced by their surroundings. These days, it is extremely difficult to expose our children to an ideal Islamic environment given the influences from media, friends and even other members of the family. With television, radio, Internet and forms of media mostly touting un-Islamic values, it is up to parents and adults close to the children to set the correct example. It is impossible to shield our children from all the negative forces that can shape their minds and, ultimately, their behaviour.

However, by our own example and showing them better options, we can set them on the true path, which is to obey the commandments of Allah Taala and our Holy Prophet Muhammad Sallalahu Alayhi Wasallam.

Here are some tips you may want to follow in helping your children grow up with Islamic values.

  1. 1.      Treat them kindly.

Kindness begets kindness. If we are kind to our children, they in turn would show kindness to others. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam was the best example in being kind to children.

  1. 2.    Teach them examples of Muslim heroes.

Relate incidents about the real heroes of Islam such as Hazrat Abu-Bakr and Hazrat Umar and the other illustrious Sahabah (Radhiallahu an hum). Tell them how Muslim leaders brought a real peaceful change in the world and won the hearts of Muslims and non-Muslims alike. Do not let them be influenced by comic book superheroes.

  1. 3.    Go out as a family.

Take family trips rather than allowing your children to always go out only with their friends. Let your children be around family and friends from whom you want them to pick up their values. Always remember that your children will become who they are around with most of the time.

  1. 4.    Praise your children.

Praise is a powerful tool with children especially in front of others. Children feel a sense of pride when their parents’ praise them and will be keen to perform other good deeds. However, praise must be limited to Islamic deeds and deeds of moral value.

  1. 5.    Avoid humiliating your children in front of others.

Children make mistakes. Sometimes, these mistakes occur in their efforts to please parents. If you are unhappy with your children, tell them in private.

  1. 6.    Inculcate a sense of responsibility in them.

Have faith in their abilities to perform tasks. Give them chores to do in line with their age. Convince them that they are performing an important function and you will find them eager to help you out again.

  1. 7.    Perform salaah and other acts of Ibadah with them.

 Wake them up for Fajr and make Ibadah as a family. Talk to them about the rewards of salaah so that it doesn’t feel like a burden to them.

  1. 8.    Good Company.

A child blossoms with good company. Watch your child’s friends and company.

  1. 9.    Lead by example.

Children observe their parents closely. Your speech and conduct should be an inspiration and guidance for your children.

10. Adopt all possible means to make them upright and practising muslims.

Make the following dua constantly,

رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا [الفرقان: 74]

Our Lord! Bestow on us from our wives and our offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and make us leaders for the pious. (Furqaan) 

And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best

Huzaifah Deedat

Student Darul Iftaa
Lusaka, Zambia

Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.

This answer was collected from Askimam.org, which is operated under the supervision of Mufti Ebrahim Desai from South Africa.

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