Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
I’m a male in my mid-20s. There are things that have bothered me for some time; I’ve never had the courage to ask. I’ve had homosexual feelings. I’ve watched pornography, and I’ve engaged in self-pleasure.
I know this is wrong; I repent every time but still err. I fear Allah, and I love Him. I pray, I’m involved in the masjid, and I have great friends. I have an opportunity now to get married; I really do want to. I want to have a family of my own. I’m afraid I will fail as a husband.
What if I can’t satisfy her? What if she is not attracted to me? I also have occasional self-esteem issues due to having a below-average “member.” I really need some guidance.
Answer
Thank you for your question. May Allah reward you for remembering your Lord and turning back to Him every time. Eventually, your sin will fall away from you, by His grace, just keep repenting.
Marriage
You shouldn’t worry about whether you will satisfy your wife or not, or have any concerns about your body. A man achieves a woman’s satisfaction in bed through sincerity, effort, and communication. Intimacy, respect, and love play a great part, and what you have seen on screens is completely opposite to real life. Please discard what you think you know about intimacy.
Transform
Before marriage, however, I strongly urge you to work on your addictions and continue to repent. One of the greatest ways to transform is by gaining sacred knowledge which serves to increase your faith and make you want to escape your sins. Please take free courses here to review your obligatory knowledge and to learn about purification of the heart, and to learn about the Prophet’s life, (Allah bless him and give him peace). Also, take a course on marriage, so that you don’t go in blind.
A Reader on Pornography and Masturbation
Course Suggestions:
40 Hadiths on Successful Marriage: Key Teachings of the Prophet on Beautiful, Loving, Caring Married Life
Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriage
Keys to Successful Muslim Marriages: Practical lessons that explain the Prophetic Spirit of Marriage
Feelings
Homosexual feelings are not as rare as you think and I pray that you can resolve these feelings before marriage, to make it easier for both of you. A big part of controlling your feelings is to stop watching porn and I know that with Allah’s help, you can overcome it. Please see what your triggers are, avoid them and ask Allah in the most auspicious times to help you. He does not abandon his servants, especially those who love Him.
This dua reminded me of you, please say it daily:
اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَسْأَلُكَ حُبَّكَ وَحُبَّ مَنْ يُحِبُّكَ وَحُبَّ عَمَلٍ يُقَرِّبُنِي إِلَى حُبِّكَ
O Allah, I ask You for Your Love, and the love of whoever loves You, and the love of deeds that will bring me closer to Your Love. [Tirmidhi & Ahmad]
Please see these links:
Purify Your Gaze
Homosexuality archives
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani