Answered by Ustadha Zaynab Ansari, SunniPath Academy Teacher
Please advise me on this matter. As I told you earlier, I married someone who I really didn’t want to but did to make my mom happy. In over 11 years, the situation has become worse and is affecting my deen. I was seriously considering separation or divorce, but my parents will not hear of it. My mother will not accept the fact that I can’t be a wife to my husband in any way, spiritually, emotionally, or physically, as a reason for divorce. I have asked my husband to marry a second wife but he refuses. I have tried to ask him to sleep somewhere else for a month to make sure that this step is the best step, but he refuses. He knows that I am severely unhappy but he chooses to stay in denial. The more no one listens to me the more I hate my husband. Initially, I didn’t wish to discuss any of his faults and just let my family know that this is a personal issue. However, that doesn’t seem to work, as my father told me to not even think about it. I feel like I am in a prison. My local sheikh is not approachable in matters like these. He is not fair towards women. Many people have heard him make comments against women. I don’t feel, neither does my husband feel, comfortable going to him. Please help me. The fact that no one will listen is making me resentful.
Answer:
In the Name of Allah, the Gracious, the Merciful
Dear Sister,
Assalamu alaikum,
I pray this message finds you well.
I believe that I covered some of the above-mentioned issues in previous exchanges.
I am sorry hear that your local shaykh is not approachable. I would suggest that you and your husband travel elsewhere to talk to someone who is knowledgeable, qualified to counsel couples, and, is, most importantly, sensitive to women’s concerns. I have heard good things about the Imam at the All Dulles Area Muslim Society (ADAMS). Please visit their website at http://www.adamscenter.org/ for contact information.
The situation appears intractable. However, it doesn’t have to be this way.
Let me reiterate my previous points:
- Your parents cannot force you to stay married. That is simply none of their business. You have to do what is right for your religion and your marriage.
- If you can’t be a wife to your husband, then why stay in the marriage? It is wrong to stay in a situation where you can’t fulfill the rights of others. In fact, marriage is unlawful for the person who knows that he or she can’t be a spouse.
- You can’t force your husband to take a second wife. Taking a second wife will not solve the serious problems that already exist between the two of you.
- You need to see a marriage counselor right away, and it doesn’t have to be a Muslim. You both need to talk to someone urgently!
And Allah knows best.