Question:
Assalamu ‘alaykum.
Allah doesn’t tax a soul more than it can bear, but why do I feel like I have passed my limit already?
I have been depressed/anxious for 4 years. I can’t sleep because my heart races in fear that I’m a failure. I fall asleep at sunrise and wake up in the evening. This is a huge burden for me; my will to live has been gone for a long time. I know Allah is merciful, but my pain is too overwhelming to understand that. Therapy and counseling are not an option, but I sometimes talk with my siblings because they are also struggling. I read Quran, make dua, and pray 5x daily. What is missing?
Answer:
Wa ‘alaykum assalam was rahmatullah was barakatuh.
I pray Allah removes your difficulties and replaces them with the joy found in loving Him and being beloved to Him.
What Is Missing?
The proper perspective. Allah has created you to shower Him infinite generosity and blessings on you – in Paradise. The ranks of the Akhira, which dictate what a Believer’s closeness to Allah and what he will get of that joy, are attained through one’s works in this life.
For a Believer. Every bit of pain is beneficial, as one sin is pardoned through it, and one’s rank is raised by it. It’s certainly not pleasant, but it is beneficial.
Allah Loves You
It might not seem like it in the darkest of moments, but Allah loves you. Take this from the words of the truthful Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace). There are many narrations to this effect.
In fact, be certain that there is much goodness coming your way. The messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “When Allah wants much good for a person He tries him repeatedly.” (Bukhari)
Your insomnia, worries about not being good enough, and depressions are all part of the test. They are the road to Paradise for you. Yes, they are difficult. You should recognize that and see that you have difficult burdens. Allah sees those struggles.
We know from a hadith that the believer who has had that most miserable life will be momentarily dipped into Paradise on the Day of Judgement. This moment will make him forget all the pain he has seen. (Muslim) Given this, how great will the rest of His rewards be?
Being Tested With More Than One Can Handle
This is possible. Allah can test a person with something that is beyond a person’s capacity to handle. Look at Maryam, a siddiqa, yet she was pushed to the point she wished for death during the intense emotional turmoil she had at the time of Jesus’ birth (peace and blessing upon them both).
Most people who say that we are not tested beyond our capacity do so based on the last verse of Sura al Baqara. This verse is about rulings. Allah does not burden us with religious obligations we can’t perform, such as performing Hajj every year or praying 80 prayers a day.
I explained this in this video answer. Please watch it.
Practical Steps
I don’t know why you said therapy is not an option. See if you can find a solution and open an avenue to it. Ask Allah for facilitation. Many of the issues you face can be resolved through it.
Please listen to this seminar, and see if you can find a professional who can help you navigate these difficulties. Allah will facilitate matters. Ask sincerely, and remain flexible and fluid concerning the tests of life. Be sure that the path ahead of you is the best path to the best long-term outcome for you.
May Allah facilitate all matters for you.
[Shaykh] Abdul-Rahim
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani