Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
I met this boy online & after a year he wants to get serious and marry me. But since we live in different cities, he wants me to visit him and spend a day with him in a hotel room. He swears that he wants to pursue marriage with me. He tells me that he has been sexually active and can’t go a month without it. When he asked me for it, I refused bluntly telling him that I can’t give him this. He tried to convince me to meet him in a room and promised nothing sexual will happen.
I’m really confused, I want the marriage but not the sneaky meetups before it. We met once at his house already. I have no idea what to do. I don’t want to disobey Allah but I don’t want him to leave me.
Thank you for your question. Absolutely not. He wants to use you for sex.
Clear as Day
It’s clear to me as day that this boy doesn’t have an ounce of respect for you. Please run away from him as fast as you can, as though you are running away from a house on fire. He doesn’t care about promiscuity, and it sounds to me like the Devil is his shaykh. If you meet him in a hotel room, he will get his way, and he will not marry you. You will be left feeling used, disrespected, dishonored, lied to and having angered your Lord with this enormity. You don’t want the sneaky meet-ups? Follow that instinct.
Only follow the Prophet’s advice (Allah bless him and give him peace) which applies to both genders. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace), said, “A woman is married for four things: for her wealth, for her lineage, for her beauty or her piety. Select the pious, may you be blessed!” [Bukhari; Muslim]
Also, consider the gravity of fornication in Islam from this Quranic verse, “As for female and male fornicators, give each of them one hundred lashes, and do not let pity for them make you lenient in (enforcing) the law of Allah, if you (truly) believe in Allah and the Last Day. And let a number of believers witness their punishment.” [Quran, 24:19]
Please take these urgent steps:
- Imagine this man raising your son and teaching him to trick women into sex;
- Ignore his charms, looks, money, and sweet talk, even if he officially proposes;
- Delete his contact, unfollow him on social media, and never speak to him again;
- Repent to Allah for this illicit relationship;
- Rest assured that there is someone far better for you who fears God and respects women;
- Take a good look at yourself and dedicate your life to being decent and moral, seeking God’s good pleasure;
- Pray on time five times a day and take classes here for free to learn about living this beautiful religion;
- Please take a course on Islamic Marriage so you can have a glimpse of what your married life should look like and what qualities your husband should have;
- Please trust me, you will feel liberated if you leave him, he offers you nothing but pain.
Please see these links in full:
Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriage
Why Are Sexual Relations Prohibited Before Marriage?
Is It Right to Have Sex With Someone You Love Before Marriage?
Seeking Forgiveness for Sex Outside of Marriage
Important Traits to Look for in a Prospective Spouse
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.