Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
My husband normally calls me names like stupid, nonsense, foolish, someone without manners in every argument. He insults and abuses me, and when I tell him I am not okay with the words he uses, he tells me it’s because I have no sense and tend to focus on words rather than learn the lesson. Now, he says that I must have been taught at home but he is sure that I did not listen and therefore I have no sense. If I am to use any words like his, he starts insulting me all over. What should I do?
Answer
Thank you for your question. Your husband could not be more wrong. Speaking in that manner is not befitting for a believer and I am afraid that it will require much patience from you.
Time
In all marital situations, it takes time for a couple to adjust to one another, and often one finds that their spouse is lacking in maturity or good character. This, unfortunately, takes time to improve, and the beauty of marriage is growing together and helping one another refine good character. Guide him to goodness by suggesting that he study Islam, pray on time, read Quran, and perhaps by giving him inspirational reading material, such as these books:
SeekersGuidance Essential Reading List For Every Muslim’s Bookshelf
Don’t Reciprocate
Your last sentence concerns me because it is not permissible for you either, to use the words that he uses. Don’t reciprocate that lowly behavior and don’t be make yourself despicable and ugly. Over the years, he will eventually see, by Allah’s grace, that you have good character, that you control your tongue, and he will seek to emulate it.
Workable
This is a situation that can be worked out, so I ask that you both take a course on Islamic Marriage and that you surround yourself with pious friends who have exemplary marital relationships. Ask him not to say these words in front of your children, as it is very harmful, and I feel that he will calm down over time, in sha Allah. I also urge you to take steps in learning conflict resolution skills, de-escalate tension, and use the resources for marital problems in the link below.
Please see this link:
Is It True That My Husband Has the Right To Shout at Me and Call Me Stupid?
Turn to Allah
In the meantime, maintain your dignity and turn to Allah in your distress. Pray tahajjud, give regular charity and ask Allah to help you through this. Allah Most High has told us, “O believers! Seek comfort in patience and prayer. Allah is truly with those who are patient.” [Quran, 2:153] Be steadfast in guarding your prayer, establishing good deeds, and fearing Allah as much as you can.
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani