Answered by Shaykh Irshaad Sedick
Question Summary
How do I balance pleasing my parents with living a healthy and righteous life? My parents permitted me to propose to the father of a sister. Her father accepted, and we began planning. However, my parents then said they thought I could do better and threatened to cut us from the family if I continued to marry her even after promising to support my decision. Believing that Allah’s pleasure is with the parents, I stopped my pursuit. Since then, I have become profoundly depressed and fallen into sins. The sister and her father are still open to my proposal.
Question Answer
In the Name of Allah, the Most Merciful and Compassionate
May Allah guide every dimension of our lives to that which pleases Him
We pray that Allah opens up the hearts of all those involved and facilitates a good outcome.
We advise that you explore the wisest methods (through elders, scholars, and other relatives) to convince your parents to give their blessing and then proceed to get married. Should they have a good reason why you should not wed the sister in question, they should assist you in finding someone with whom they and you are pleased. If they refuse without justifiable reason to do so, and you are therefore unable to refrain from sin, you may proceed to get married without your parents’ consent, but this should be the last resort.
Parents Rights
Advice to Parents
Our advice is for your parents not to prevent you from marrying the sister in question, especially if she is religiously committed and of good character. Parents do not have the right to coerce you (as a male) into marriage, nor prohibit you from getting married, but it is advisable to negotiate with them so that you all agree on that which is most appropriate.
It is unlawful for a believer to forsake his fellow-believer unless there is a justified reason in Sacred Law for doing so. Should you marry the sister, we pray that your parents will be supportive and not break family ties.
Family Ties
The Prophet (may Allah bless him and give him peace) said: “It is not permissible for a Muslim to forsake his brother for more than three days.” [Bukhari] The sin is more serious if the forsaking for no reason involves a son, mother, brother, or other close relatives because, in that case, it is combining two sins: forsaking a Muslim and severing the ties of kinship. The Prophet (may Allah bless him and give him peace) said: “The upholder of kinship ties is not the one who is kind to them if they are kind to him, rather the upholder of kinship ties is the one who, if his relatives cut him off, he upholds the ties of kinship with them.” [Bukhari]
Please see the following links for more appropriate guidance:
I pray this is of benefit and that Allah guides us all.
[Shaykh] Irshaad Sedick
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Shaykh Irshaad Sedick was raised in South Africa in a traditional Muslim family. He graduated from Dar al-Ulum al-Arabiyyah al-Islamiyyah in Strand, Western Cape, under the guidance of the late world-renowned scholar, Shaykh Taha Karaan.
Shaykh Irshaad received Ijaza from many luminaries of the Islamic world, including Shaykh Taha Karaan, Mawlana Yusuf Karaan, and Mawlana Abdul Hafeez Makki, among others.
He is the author of the text “The Musnad of Ahmad ibn Hanbal: A Hujjah or not?” He has served as the Director of the Discover Islam Centre and Al Jeem Foundation. For the last five years till present, he has served as the Khatib of Masjid Ar-Rashideen, Mowbray, Cape Town.
Shaykh Irshaad has thirteen years of teaching experience at some of the leading Islamic institutes in Cape Town). He is currently building an Islamic online learning and media platform called ‘Isnad Academy’ and pursuing his Master’s degree in the study of Islam at the University of Johannesburg. He has a keen interest in healthy living and fitness.