Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil
Question: Assalam aleykum,
I have had a sexual relationship with a man I love but things have gone downhill. I’ve changed for him and Allah. At first, he promised to marry me, but now he has changed his mind. I am now pregnant but I want to repent for all the zina I have done. I don’t want to get an abortion, and am willing to lose family and the man who promised to marry me. I’m willing to do things alone, but it’s my sins I want to work on and my deen. What shall I do?
Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,
I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.
May Allah reward you for seeking to return to Him, under your very challenging circumstances. You already feel deep remorse. I pray that Allah grants you a beautiful and complete repentance. Please see:
The conditions for repentance are well known:
1. Leaving the sin;
2. Remorse over having committed the sin;
3. Resolve never to return to the sin;
4. (If it relates to the rights of another person, then to) Return the rights or property one wrongly took. [al-Bariqa fi Sharh al-Tariqa; Riyad al-Salihin]
If these conditions are truly met, then one can expect one’s sins to be forgiven. However, one has to be very careful about how sincere one is in fulfilling one’s conditions. It is recommended to seek forgiveness a lot, and to repent every time the sin comes to one’s mind. Excerpt from What is Sincere Repentance?
Say, “Should I seek a lord other than Allah while He is the Lord of everything? And nobody does anything but to his own account, and no bearer of burden shall bear the burden of another. Then to your Lord is your return. Then He will let you know what you were disputing about.” [Qur’an, 6:164]
Your unborn child is innocent of sin. Please gather enough support to help you throughout your pregnancy, labour and birth, and the raising of your child. Choose friends who are able to embody the mercy and forgiveness in our deen. They may or may not be Muslim – especially if you are living in the West, I encourage you to have a balance of both.
Dear sister, you cannot do this alone. Please do not punish yourself by choosing to isolate yourself. After repentance, your slate is wiped clean. Allah alone knows your station with Him, and perhaps your patience throughout your pregnancy and the raising of your child will bring you closer to Him in ways nothing else could. Trust that Allah loves you and loves your child, and wants you to draw closer to Him. This dunya is a place of tribulation, and often our greatest pain can bring about our greatest growth.
Have you informed the father of your child that you will be going ahead with your pregnancy? I encourage you to disclose that to him – not with the intention of changing his mind about marriage, but to tell inform that he will have a child. It is then his responsibility to do what is pleasing to Allah.
Please nourish your relationship with Allah. With dua, continual sincere repentance, it is possible for you to draw closer
Keep good company. Attend gatherings of remembrance of Allah. Guard your prayers, and spend more time reciting Qur’an.
Ask yourself what you can do differently in your life. Consider a Muslimah life coach if you need to set your life in better order.
I hope and pray that your family will come around, especially your mother. Raising a child takes a village of support. New motherhood can be incredibly lonely and isolating, and you may risk falling into postpartum depression.
Even under the most ideal circumstances, pregnancy can be emotionally, physically, and spiritually challenging. Because of this, please do not hesitate to reach out for a culturally-sensitive counsellor to support you through your journey.
Please keep in touch. I pray that Allah blesses you with an easy pregnancy, birth, and a righteous and loving child who will be the coolness of your eyes.
Habib ‘Umar bin Hafiz’s advice on duas to read during pregnancy and labour
[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil
Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersGuidance Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.