Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
I’ve been searching for a spouse for a few years and have exhausted my network of family, friends, colleagues, and even marriage apps to find a wife. I’m looking for guidance on how to continue looking after seemingly all avenues have been closed. I feel very isolated and need help looking for a spouse through Islamic matchmaking events where I could potentially meet someone.
Answer
Thank you for your question. I empathize with your frustration, and I pray that the wait will be worth it and that you find someone perfectly suited to you with whom you can complete your faith.
Picky
I feel that you have used the proper channels for marriage and haven’t succumbed to dating, Alhamdulillah, but perhaps there might be another problem. If you have met dozens of women, are you being too picky? Have you ever met them or just read their profiles and written them off? I feel that you should look in and around your community again, but you should do so with an open mind.
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) advised fathers to marry their daughters off to anyone with good religion and character, and you should apply the same advice to yourself, as this makes the most sense for society. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “When someone whose religion and character you are pleased with proposes to (someone under the care) of one of you, then marry to him. If you do not do so, then there will be turmoil (fitnah) in the land and abundant discord (fasad).” [Tirmidhi]
Steps
Please try these steps when searching for someone:
- Heed the advice of the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace), who said, “A woman is married for four things: for her wealth, for her lineage, for her beauty or her piety. Select the pious, or your hands will be covered in dust!” [Bukhari; Muslim];
- Meet the girl and her family, and don’t base your decision on her looks alone;
- Pray istikhara all the while, before meeting her and afterward;
- Consult others who know her and can vouch for her character;
- Pray the Prayer of Need and supplicate for a pious wife and be patient;
- Consider going abroad to find a wife, as a well-educated Eastern girl can give you the right balance in family life.
Etiquette
The etiquette of a believer with their Lord is patience. The servant asks his Lord, and he must patiently wait even if it is difficult and trust that Allah’s timing is the best. Never claim that your dua was not answered. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) told us, “The supplication of every one of you is granted if he does not grow impatient and say: ‘I supplicated, but it was not granted.’” [Muslim]
Please say the dua in these links and apply the tips:
What Should I Do If I Cannot Find a Suitable Wife In My Area?
What Advice Would You Give Me to Find a Spouse?
Is There Any Specific Supplication I Can Read to Find a Spouse?
Difficulty in Finding a Spouse and Losing Hope
How Can I Find a Girl for Marriage When My Parents Can’t Help?
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.