Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil
Question: Assalam aleykum,
I am a mother to two grown children – my 26 year old son and 31 year old daughter. My daughter is very dark-skinned and wears thick glasses. We have been looking for a husband for her for the past 8 years.
My husband curses her by saying she will never get married.
Her self-esteem is very low and she is getting bullied by her colleagues. What can we do?
Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,
I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.
Husband
Abu Hurairah (may Allah be pleased with him) narrated that the Messenger of Allah (upon him be blessings and peace) said: “Three supplications are accepted ,there is no doubt in them (about them being accepted): The supplication of the oppressed, the supplication of the traveler, and the supplication of his father against his son.” [Tirmidhi]
Please ask your husband to stop making dua against your daughter.
If he refuses, then please ensure that for every curse he makes against your daughter, make ten duas for your daughter. May Allah forgive and overlook your husband’s failings, and may He accept your duas for your daughter.
Marriage
“And their Lord responded to them, “Never will I allow to be lost the work of [any] worker among you, whether male or female; you are of one another.” (Qur’an, 3:195)
“So whoever does an atom’s weight of good will see it, And whoever does an atom’s weight of evil will see it.” (Qur’an, 99:7-8)
I encourage you and your daughter to look at her test through the lens of the Akhirah, and not the short-sightedness of the dunya. Nothing is lost with Allah. All of your daughter’s years of modesty have not gone to waste.
Please do not be fooled by outward appearances. It does seem unfair that your daughter’s friends got married despite their pre-marital relationships. However, only they know the struggles they may face in their marriages because of their past sin.
Perspective
“Who created death and life that He might try you as to which of you is better in deed. He is the Most Mighty, the Most Forgiving.” [Qur’an, 67:2]
Please remember that the purpose of your daughter’s life, and indeed, all of ours, is the worship of Allah Most High. This may or may not be through marriage. If it is written for her, then Allah will send her husband. If it is not, then I pray that Allah grants you all contentment with His Decree.
Marriage is not the be all and end all of your daughter’s life. As a mother, it is only natural for you to want your daughter to marry a good man. I pray that a good and loving husband is written for your daughter. In the meantime, please help your daughter see the good that she already has in her life. Help her cultivate a daily practice of gratitude. This is a lifelong skill.
Even a good marriage has its ups and downs. The skills she is learning now, while she is single, is what will help her cope with the trials that come with marriage. You know this yourself.
Self-Esteem
Please teach your daughter to take ownership of her life, and her decisions. Help her see that she is strong, capable and brave. Share this talk about growth mindset with her, encourage her to read the book Mindset by Professor Carol Dweck, and help her see how she can apply it to her own life and relationships.
Please encourage her to see a culturally-sensitive counsellor, if she needs more support. There is no shame in seeking help. However, I acknowledge that certain communities and cultures consider seeking psychological help as a form of weakness. Because of this, then it is better for your daughter to keep any form of counselling private. Her counsellor is also bound by laws of confidentiality too.
Bullying
If your daughter is struggling with workplace bullying, then she is a ripe target for an abusive husband. It is all too easy for an unscrupulous man to take advantage of her. Because she already has a father who curses her, she is subconsciously wired to expect more pain from her husband. Your daughter is in a very vulnerable position. Daughters Need Fathers, Too.
Because of this, please help your daughter choose wisely. Help build her self-esteem to the point where she is able to choose wisely, instead of settling for just any man.
Help her see that she does not need external validation to help her feel better. This will be very difficult at first, and is likely to be a lifelong journey for her.
Trust in Allah
“If Allah helps you, there is none to overcome you. And if He abandons you, then, who is there to help you after that? In Allah the believers should place their trust.” [Qur’an, 3:160]
Your daughter is an adult, and as painful as it is to see her suffer, trust that only she can make the decision to improve her state. You can offer her a safe refuge, but only she can choose to move forward from there.
The best thing you can do as her mother is to love her, accept her, encourage her to better herself for the sake of Allah, and make continuous dua for her. Nothing is difficult for Allah, and He can turn her life around.
Pease look after yourself in this time. May Allah grant your family ease, and bless your children with righteous and loving spouses.
Please see:
Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered
[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil
Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.