Question: I am heart-broken by my husband. It has been 16 years of married life, but there is such a big communication gap. When we argue, I am always the first one to talk about it and patch it up. My husband does not ever try to solve issues. He will not talk to me and after a few days pretends to be normal as if nothing has happened. And it is really affecting me now. He knows it hurts me, but he does not do anything about it.
Answer:
Assalamu alaykum,
Thank you for your question. I empathize with your frustration and I see that you hurting very badly in regards to your relationship. Rest assured that every marriage can improve with time and effort, by the grace of Allah.
Please see this link first:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/cold/
Resources
I suggest that you both first take this free marriage course, in order to look at where you stand in the perspective of an Islamic Marriage. I assure you that this will benefit you, even though you are 16 years into the marriage:
https://seekersguidance.org/courses/marriage-in-islam-practical-guidance-for-successful-marriage/
Also, read these books and encourage your husband to read them too. They talk about love languages and how different people express themselves in a marriage. These are also key to understanding one another:
https://www.5lovelanguages.com/
https://www.amazon.ca/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797
Read this excellent advice from a wife of 25 years:
https://seekersguidance.org/articles/featured-articles/25-years-worth-of-marriage-advice/
Steps
-The first thing that you must do, when facing any problem, is to sincerely turn to Allah and ask him to help you. Pray the Prayer of Need and be prepared to sacrifice. Pray all your prayers on time, read some Qur’an every day with the meaning, and avoid the harams of everyday life as much as you can, in your food, your financial transactions, how you dress, and what you say.
-Try to read and learn from the resources above, and apply the tips in your life. If he can read and learn them with you, it is even better. It will take time and effort, but it will be well worth it, by the grace of Allah.
-Some of the tips are: sleep at the same time, go out together for a date night once a week (watching a movie together does not count as bonding), communicate honestly without blaming, be positive, smile, be kind, tell him how you feel, and do not accept silent treatment because it is abusive. See this link for dealing with silent treatment:
https://www.healthline.com/health/silent-treatment#takeaway
Accept Him
After trying all of the steps above, and really this is a growing process that never ends but continues throughout the marriage, try to accept your husband for who he is. No one is perfect, and if he is an overall good person, you should see that in him and understand that some things can improve but not become perfect. May Allah reward you for striving to better yourself and your marriage and may Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.