There are a few issues that my family is going through. I am not sure what to do or what we should do.
My stepmother came from my country to the USA; meanwhile my brother got married and brought his wife. We all lived together for almost two years, father, brothers and a younger sister.
Over time my family as in brothers and sister realized a lot of things being said to my father by our stepmother. Soon more issues in the family began to arise and my father would curse, yell and say hurtful things to us. After my brother brought his wife my dad loved my sister in law until things that we think my mother lied about to put doubt in my fathers head started to blind him, eventually he started blaming my sister in law and my self for creating problems and gossiping about the family, which was never the case.
After a while my father and brother got into a heated argument. My father thinks he heard my brother insult him by saying “my wife is better than you and she is my father and mother.” which was not the case. My sister in law was there, I was there, my stepmother and little sister. We all did not hear that but my stepmother reinforces it and says that my brother did insult my father. So my father kicked my brother out and disowned him. My brother in law spoke to my dad recently and said to him that you are wrong, don’t disown your son etc but my dad will not have it. My brother came to my dad hugged and kissed him but my dad recently told my older sister that it does not matter whether he comes over or not. He doesn’t consider him a son. My father has gone so far. We feel like he resents us and that my stepmother has blinded him. We are not perfect children; however we love our dad and want to treat him with respect and love. We dont hurt our father and abide by his words. All of us are adults in our 20’s.
It’s not fair that my dad has disowned my brother when he has been providing for over 8 years for the family yet my father fails to recognize that and appreciate what my brother has done. My dad doesnt work it has always been us children working yet our whole family has broken apart since our stepmother came on the scene. Nothing we say helps and even if we deny or tell my father this wrong, he insults us and curses us.
My father prays 5 times a day too yet that doesnt help him or us in dealing with anything. Now my dad hates my brother and his daughter in law and puts the blame on her for changing my brother. My brother before marriage was loud and always was hard to deal with but eventually he changed for the better but my dad says he kisses his wifes behind etc and she is the one making him but honestly he has changed for the better and he loves my dad. My dad is his soul and he is hurt but my dad has too much pride and says until death and even after death he wants nothing to do with my brother. My dad has not seen his granddaughter. She was born while brother was still living at home. My dad refused to hold her or look at her.
Anyways there are so many issues and we dont know what to do please help. What is your advice? My father is not forgiving and does not care whether he has his son or not.
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
It is indeed very sadening to hear the ordeal which your family has gone through.
You mention that your father is not willing to forgive your brother; this indicates that any discussion regarding this matter appears to harden the stance of your father with regards to your brother.
Our advice to you is as follows:
1) Stop discussing this issue with your father; rather ensure that the children show utmost respect to the father despite the volatile attitude shown towards them.
Allah Ta’ala states in the Quran:
( وَلَا تَسْتَوِي الْحَسَنَةُ وَلَا السَّيِّئَةُ ادْفَعْ بِالَّتِي هِيَ أَحْسَنُ فَإِذَا الَّذِي بَيْنَكَ وَبَيْنَهُ عَدَاوَةٌ كَأَنَّهُ وَلِيٌّ حَمِيمٌ (34) وَمَا يُلَقَّاهَا إِلَّا الَّذِينَ صَبَرُوا وَمَا يُلَقَّاهَا إِلَّا ذُو حَظٍّ عَظِيمٍ (35) ) (فصلت 41 : 34-35)
Translation: “The good deed and the evil deed cannot be equal. Repel (the evil) with one which is better, then verily he, between whom and you there was enmity, (will become) as though he was a close friend. But none is granted it (the above quality) except those who are patient, and none is granted it except the owner of the great portion (i.e reward).”
Insha-Allah acting upon this advice will soften your father’s heart and make him realise that his children love him.
2) It is natural that one feels distressed in such conditions; however it is important to react in a manner which pleases Allah Ta’ala and which will be a means for one to strengthen their link with their creator.
Firstly, you need exercise patience, Allah Ta’ala States in the Quran:
( وَبَشِّرِ الصَّابِرِينَ (155) الَّذِينَ إِذَا أَصَابَتْهُمْ مُصِيبَةٌ قَالُوا إِنَّا لِلَّهِ وَإِنَّا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعُونَ (156) أُولَئِكَ عَلَيْهِمْ صَلَوَاتٌ مِنْ رَبِّهِمْ وَرَحْمَةٌ وَأُولَئِكَ هُمُ الْمُهْتَدُونَ (157) ) (البقرة 2 : 155)
Translation: “Give glad tidings to the patient. Who when afflicted with calamity, say: “Truly! to Allah we belong and truly, to him we shall return.” They are those on whom are the Salwaat (i.e who are blessed and will be forgiven) from their Lord, and (they are those who) receive his mercy, and it is they who are the guided ones.”
The Messeneger of Allah صلى الله عليه وسلم stated: “Whoever is given thereafter he is grateful, and (whoever) is tested thereafter he is patient, and (whoever) oppresses thereafter seeks forgiveness, and (whoever) is oppressed thereafter forgives” then he (the Messenger of Allah صلى الله عليه وسلم) became silent, Thus, they (the Sahaba) said: O Messenger of Allah, what is for him?, He (the Messenger of Allah صلى الله عليه وسلم) stated: “Those are the ones who will have safety and those are the guided ones.”
6613 – حَدَّثَنَا الْحُسَيْنُ بْنُ إِسْحَاقَ التُّسْتَرِيُّ، ثنا عَلِيُّ بْنُ بَحْرٍ، ثنا مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ الْمُعَلَّى الرَّازِيُّ، عَنْ زِيَادِ بْنِ خَيْثَمَةَ، عَنْ أَبِي دَاوُدَ، عَنْ سَخْبَرَةَ، قَالَ: قَالَ رَسُولُ اللهِ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ: «مَنْ أُعْطِيَ فَشَكَرَ، وابْتُلِيَ فَصَبَرَ، وَظَلَمَ فَاسْتَغْفَرَ، وَظُلِمَ فَغَفَرَ» ، ثُمَّ سَكَتَ، فَقَالُوا: يَا رَسُولَ اللهِ، مَالَهُ؟ قَالَ: «أُولَئِكَ لَهُمُ الْأَمْنُ وَهُمْ مُهْتَدُونَ» أخرجه الطبراي في المعجم الكبير
Secondly, one should make abundant dua to Allah for relief and patience. Also give abundant charity which may be a means of attaining the mercy of Allah.
Allah Ta’ala States in the Quran:
( إِنَّ مَعَ الْعُسْرِ يُسْرًا (6) ) (الانشراح 94 : 6)
Translation: “Verily, along with hardship is relief.”
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Mawlana Mohammed Patel
Student Darul Ifta
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.