Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
My oldest brother has made some bad choices in his life. He has been rude and hurt many people in my family. He has threatened, insulted, hit, and tried to control members of my family. I stopped speaking with him a year ago when I came to a new country for college. He now needs a place to stay. I do not speak with him because it gives me peace of mind. He has said bad things about me over the past year and put dirt on my name. He tries to turn people against me and control them to convince me to speak with him. He has never asked for forgiveness or said sorry. Allah says it is important to keep family relationships but also important to not be two-faced.
How can I give him a place to stay when I feel no love for him?
Answer
Thank you for your question. I am sorry that your brother has hurt you and others and I empathize with your feeling of wanting to protect yourself. Perhaps you can find a middle ground?
Toxicity
If your brother has harmed you because of his toxicity, there is no problem with staying away from him and choosing not to have him in your life. You are protecting yourself from his abuse. You should never accept his abuse, and you should only return to a relationship with him that is healthy and respectful.
Cutting Ties of Kinship
However, cutting him off for more than three days is sinful and I urge you to send him a text now and again so that the two of you are not officially cut off. It is very difficult to maintain a relationship with a person like this, but I feel that middle ground is better for you. Can you see him once or twice a year? Can you make a short phone call or send a short text every once in a while? Cutting someone off for a year causes a kind of coldness and bitterness between siblings that shouldn’t be there. It may cause much deeper harm and hatred in the future which is best avoided.
Please see the answers in the link:
Ties of kinship
Wisdom
It is very tough to advise you here because I don’t want you in harm’s way and I also don’t want you to be in a position of cutting off your brother completely. Please pray Istikhara on this issue and ask Allah to guide you to do what is safe and still pleasing to Him.
Please see these links as well:
Setting Boundaries With Siblings
Can We Break Family Ties With Siblings Who Treat Us Badly?
How to Deal With Difficult Siblings?
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani