Q: I am really confused. Everyone says that in life you can’t focus too much on beauty when it comes to a potential suitor. Then, they say “no. But you have to be attracted to him”. But then if I am not attracted to anyone except for a very specific few, then “no, you’re being too fussy and need to lower your expectations in life” then when I say okay, how do I lower my expectations? How do I force myself to be attracted to somebody who doesn’t really match up to what I had in mind? Then they say “No. don’t lower your expectations, expect the best from Allah and have faith that he’ll give you what you want” then I say okay fine I expect the best. Then they show me somebody and I can’t find it in my heart to have the slightest bit of attraction towards them then they say “if you don’t find this person good looking you need to lower your expectations” then I ask how , “no have faith in Allah, you’ll get what you want” … so I don’t know what to do. first they say expect from Allah then they say lower your expectations. Which do I do and HOW? It’s not as if I’m only focusing on looks, I want piety and looks in a person and I’m not willing to compromise on either. Money is not a main focus but looks and piety are. I have never spoken to any non mahrams much in life so i feel like why should my first relationship ever be with someone that is unappealing to my eye? It’s not as if I feel deserving or entitled or think that I’m so holy for not ever engaging in haraam relations but I just think it might be a disappointment to have the one relationship you ever have be with someone you just can’t seem to be attracted to. Also. If I read “Rabbana Hablana Min Azwajina Wa Dhhuriyatina Qurata A’yewnew waj Alna Lil mutaqina imaama” will I get someone who I find good looking? Because it’s a dua for our spouses to be the coolness of our eyes and he can only be a coolness to my eyes if I am attracted to him right? And I will only be attracted to him if he meets my expectations which means that all I have to do is read this dua and have faith and not lower my expectations right?
A: It is better to allow your elders and parents to decide for you in these types of matters. You lack the experience and understanding to identify the right suitor.
And Allah Ta’ala (الله تعالى) knows best.
Answered by:
Mufti Ebrahim Salejee (Isipingo Beach)