Having a difficult time controlling desires

Answered according to Shafi'i Fiqh by Qibla.com

Answered by Ustadha Zaynab Ansari, SunniPath Academy Teacher

Just before i start i want to say i am sorry if i offend or lead anyone astray.
In the name of the greatest!
when i am alone i have no sexual desires but my body becomes very weak and i cannot perform anything,i do not masturbate and avoid everything that can lead to it,i hate going to the mosque now because everytime i go to the mosque something terrible happens to me.I stopped praying sunna because it has been the link for me wanting a wife.I looked for hadiths that tell us what is the reward for controlling your sexual desires and ruining your life (i found nothing). If you have the answer of that plz tell me.
This is an addition to what i have already….because of this,i cannot stop smoking and i want to just stop living.I avoid all women and even was called rude ,when in fact they do not respect themselves dressing almost naked making it hard on non married brothers.Thank you and inshallah allah will help you anwer my question.
I am in my 20’s and living a terrible moment in my life.Because of my sexual desires i cannot concentrate in my worldly and spiritual lifestyles.Its driving me crazy to a point i cannot bear…i don’t watch tv nor listen to music because they both are related to the opposite sex.I tried everything including talking to an imam, but never got the answer i wanted.
what do i do?and what is the reward for being patient…i even think sometimes allah will test me all my life and i will never get married. Its the only halal way to satisfy this annoying desire. PLz answer this question for me and all the brothers and sisters in my situation.May allah bless us all.

In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful

In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful

Dear Brother,

I pray this message finds you in better health and spirits.

The reward for controlling one’s sexual desires is immense.

Prophet Muhammad, Allah bless him and give him peace, said,

“Whoever can promise me what is between their lips and what is between their thighs I will promise for them paradise.” [Sahih Muslim]

You asked,

“What is the reward for controlling your sexual desires and ruining your life?”

I’m not sure what you mean.

Controlling your sexual desires will not ruin your life. It is the opposite that might ruin your life. Giving your sexual desires free rein will certainly lead to humiliation and bitter regret. So don’t think that you’re being punished because you’re being strong. Don’t think that controlling your desires is a loathsome burden. To the contrary, you are living your life in accordance with the taqwa of Allah, consciousness of His presence and fear of His anger. Allah willing, there will surely be some ease after this difficulty.

It is very possible that this is a test from Allah Most High. If so, consider yourself blessed. Did not Allah Ta’ala say,

“We shall surely test you with fear and hunger, and loss of property and lives and crops; but give glad tidings to those who have fortitude. Who when struck by misfortune, say: ‘We belong to Allah, and surely to Him we shall return.’ ” [al-Baqara, 2:155-156]


“He Who created Death and Life, that He may try which of you is best in deed: and He is the Exalted in Might, Oft-Forgiving. “[Al-Mulk, 67:2]

This test is an opportunity for you to draw nearer in closeness to Allah Most High. So please don’t cut off the means of this nearness. Don’t cut off your source of strength.

You said,

“I stopped praying sunna because it has been the link for me wanting a wife.”

I’m not sure what praying sunna has to do with your desire for a wife, but it is a mistake to stop praying your sunna prayers. The sunna prayers compensate for what was lacking in the quality of our fard (obligatory) prayers. Furthermore, there are special sunna prayers, such as The Prayer of Need, which can help you express your needs to Allah Most High.

You also should not stop going to the masjid. Shaytan is trying to dissuade you by using his guile. Don’t pay attention. Cutting yourself off from the Muslim community is not helpful. Yes you may see scantily-clad women on the way to the masjid. However, you still have to go out and function. Guard your gaze, seek refuge in Allah, and pray for these women’s guidance. And remember that fasting is an excellent means of suppressing desire.

Now I have a question for you:

What means are you taking to get married? Focus your energies on readying yourself spiritually, emotionally, and financially for a wife. The Prophet, Allah bless him and give him peace, said,

“O you young men! Whoever is able to marry should marry, for that will help him to lower his gaze and guard his modesty.”[Bukhari]

As Shaykh Abdullah Adhami explains in his excellent series entitled “Gender Relations,” this hadith encourages men to marry once they can provide a dignified existence for their wives.

So take the means to provide this existence for a wife.

I pray that Allah Ta’ala blesses you with a righteous spouse and gives you strength and patience.

And Allah knows best.