Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil
Question: I love my husband dearly but he does not satisfy me sexually. I am left frustrated and disappointed. As a result, intercourse is painful for me. I don’t know who to talk to.
My doctor suggested that I masturbate but it is a sin. What am I supposed to do?
Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,
I pray this finds you well. Dear sister, may Allah reward you for being brave enough to ask about this deeply private and important topic.
Masturbation
Although masturbation is impermissible, please do not give up on having fulfilling marital intimacy. In addition to making dua and performing The Prayer of Need, please explore different wholesome options with your husband to help you reach sexual satisfaction.
I encourage you and your husband to refer back to the section on foreplay in “Islamic Guide To Sexual Relations” and implement the permissible techniques located within the book. For example, your husband can use either his hand or a sex toy to stimulate your clitoris until you climax. Remember to use enough lubrication. This will take practice, but persist and inshaAllah you will both enjoy marital intimacy. Additionally, it is permissible for your husband to perform oral sex on you, especially if it will help give you sexual pleasure.
Please refer to this article for further details: Is It Permissible To Perform Oral Sex to One’s Wife?
Take your time to enjoy each other. Talk to teach other and learn what feels good, and what doesn’t.
Intention
Hudhaifa and Abu Shaiba reported Allah’s Messenger (upon him be blessings and peace) as saying: “Every act of goodness is sadaqa (charity).” [Muslim]
It was narrated from Ibn ‘Abbas that: the Prophet (upon him be blessings and peace) said: “The best of you is the one who is best to his wife, and I am the best of you to my wives.” [Sunan Ibn Majah]
Abu Dharr al-Ghifaril relates that the Messenger of Allah (upon him be blessings and peace) said: “…Verily in every Tasbih [i.e. saying Subhan Allah] there is charity, in every Takbir [i.e. saying Allahu Akbar] there is charity, in every Tahmid [i.e. saying Alhamdulilah] there is charity, in every Tahlil [i.e. saying La ilaha illlah] there is charity, enjoining of good is charity, forbidding of evil is charity, and in the sexual act of each of you there is charity.” [The Companions said], “O Messenger of Allah! One of us fulfils his sexual desire and he is given a reward for that?” And he said, “Do you not see that were he to act upon it unlawfully, he would be sinning? Likewise, if he acts upon it lawfully he will be rewarded.” [Muslim]
It is extremely important that your husband learns to satisfy your sexual needs before he satisfies his. This is the Prophetic way of being with one’s wife.
In essence, the best foreplay begins long before you both enter the bedroom. There are many, many acts of love and connection which he can do to help you warm up to him. This excellent article is a wonderful resource: Turning On Your Crockpot.
I strongly suggest that your husband make the intention of pleasing you, from the start of his day, right up until he approaches you in the bedroom. Of course, this applies to you too. I pray that with sincere dua and practice, you will both have a mutually pleasing sexual relationship.
Counselling
If you both continue to struggle, then I suggest seeing a culturally-sensitive counsellor. Make it clear to your counsellor that masturbation is not an option for you, and ask about other methods you can explore with your husband.
Sexual difficulties are very common in marriage, and can definitely be worked on with the help of a professional therapist. Your counsellor is bound by confidentiality laws, so you can be frank with her.
Pelvic health
Please look for a compassionate female physiotherapist who specialises in pelvic health. Painful intercourse is something that can be treated, on both an emotional and physical level. A female physiotherapist can help to massage and relax tense vaginal muscles.
Please keep in touch if you need further clarification.
Please see:
Some Prophetic Supplications for Difficulty and Distress
Wassalam,
Raidah
Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani