Dear brother.. I sincerely wish for your help on a problem that has been going on since my husband left us…myself and our two baby girls to go back to his own country in the Gambia nearly 7 months ago. I am a white, English revert of 5 years alhumdullilah. We have been married for 5 years and the marriage was problematic, violent at times, full of jealousy on both parties and I went through a period of depression, low self esteem and lack of confidence. I feel that we didn’t commicate properly, for instance, there were many times that my husband offended me, but rather that sort the problem out, he would get into a rage which was very physical…..to cut a long story short, after a few years, I started really rebelling and started behaving terribly. I felt he made me jealous, sometimes with my girlfreinds, sometimes he would bring womans phone numbers home from his University, I felt he was very charming toward the opposite sex, he had letters from previous girlfriends, and photo’s of them and when I asked him to destroy them, I got a punch on the back of the neck, I felt from that moment on I was not a priority. So I got revenge. I started being extreamily nice to his friends when they visited, I purposefully got mens phone numbers from my work….All to get his reaction…to see if he would also get jealous because he used to tell me I need a doctor because I’m sick in the head. The latest problem was in January…he asked me to take out a loan for £15,000 so we could all go back to his country to live, he said that I shouldn’t worry about paying the loan back as many people do this, it would just mean that I would be able to go back to the UK for 5 years…stupidly enough, I agreed…I thought the Islam was good in his country. All three of us went to the Gambia, but I had to come home and sort finances out here in the UK…. I told my freind what I had done…she told me that I can’t just take a loan and not pay it back, this would be fraud. I immeadiately called my husband in the Gambia and I aksed him to come home and help me pay off the loan, he said that he didn’t want to come back here because he dosn’t like the UK…he then asked if he could have a second wife. Due to the circumstances…I had to divorce him as I thought this was a terrible thing to do, asking me to take a loan and the him starting a new life with a new wife in his own country…meanwhile, I couldn’t work after this because I had to look after my daughters so I had to go on benefits, therfore, I couldn’t pay the loan back at all.
The main problem here…Where I really need you help…I can’t get rid of this gulit brother…for the things I did to him…i.e making him jealous on purpose and rebelling. Sometimes I cannot sleep out of fear because I worry this will be sorted out in Allah’s court. My heart is crying out of fear as I type this. I don’t know what excuse I will give Allah. Since I have been on my own, I have been gaining so much knowledge…there are things I know now, but didn’t know then. I really do feel very regretful brother..that I was a terrible wife and maybe this is why he left us. I cannot even sleep at night because my mind keeps replaying all the bad thigs I did to him. Please forgive me…this is long winded but please advise me..Jahannam is full of woman mainly and I fear I’m one of them….But I’m desparate to be one of the lucky 7 to be under the shade of Allah’s throne.
Jazakallah….kindly for your Patience in reading this
Asallamu Alakikum wa Rahmatullah brother…
Answer | |
|