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Family issues

Answered according to Hanafi Fiqh by Muftionline.co.za

Q: I need serious advice on a big decision in my life and I would like a religious aspect on what to do from someone other than my parents.

I am a 21 year old girl of Pakistani descent who immigrated to Canada with my parents around the age of 9. I am currently in University and about to graduate in a year. My parents are strict Muslims and my father is of Ahmadiya sect and my mom is Sunni. They both have had a turbulent relationship and used to always fight as back as I can remember (physically and verbally) to the point where my mother wanted a divorce but it never happened. Those fights affected my mother psychologically and she blamed me and my sisters for how her life turned out and how she wouldnt leave my dad because of us. I have never liked my father, mostly because how he treated my mother (did not let her work rendering her to household chores, fought with her constantly) and when he would hit/fight with my mom, I would defend her and he would hit me too (I was in grade 5). I actually resent my father. Due to my home environment, I confined myself to reading books and not talking to my parents and blocking them out.

As I hit puberty and started making friends, our cultural differences became crystal clear. In high school I wasnt allowed out late, they would go through my bags and rooms even though I hadn’t done anything. Then I started going to university, and I met a boy that I liked. Me and him began seeing each other after class, we became friends then best friends and began dating. The problem was that he wasnt Muslim. We started dating intimately and I hadnt felt that way for anyone ever. I could confide all my feelings to him and be myself, I could say things and not be judged for being haram or reminded constantly about sinning, he became my outlet to express my emotions since I couldnt do it at home. Then my parents found out about him.

My life turned into a living hell, they house arrested me, my mom would cry and say how I deceived her, she would hit me often, call me absolute terrible names (whore, bitch, etc.) tell me that I am going to hell and taking her with me. My father just cut the wifi connection and told me to drop out of university. This went on for a year, my mom made me swear to God that I will never talk to him, and she would constantly remind me that I would go to hell and curse me. I got depressed and my marks suffered and I absolutely hated my parents, I started going for counseling.

My boyfriend became my biggest support, he felt terrible that he was the reason why I got into all of this, but truthfully it could have been anyone and they would have reacted this way. My parents still dont trust me, I turned 21 and they finally gave me a house key. I view my house as a living hell for me, I still believe in God but I do wonder one thing. I wonder what kind of religion my parents follow that makes them behave the way they do towards me. Growing up they always told me to fear Allah but said that Allah forgives everyone and that Allah loves the whole mankind. After growing up, I do not feel the love. I feel my parents hate me and they have only not kicked me out because they dont want to be judged by other people for failing to raise me into some carbon copy Pious Shy and Observant little Pakistani Muslim girl who only lives for her parents wishes.

This year I told them that I refuse to live by their rules and no longer need their permission and I am going to go travelling this summer to Europe with my friend. They said if I even try to I will not have a home to return to. I am sick of them and refuse to respect them for being tyrants and oppressing me and constantly threatening to kick me out if I even do one thing they disapprove of. I believe that everyone earns respect and is not granted respect just because they are entitled to. I also dislike my culture and disassociate myself from it because it has done nothing but make my life hell, by misogyny and double standards between men and women. I am pondering moving out this year so I can focus on myself and live my life according to how I want to. Except they have said they will disown me if I do so. I just want to know, if I should do it because I have no one else to talk to about it. I value my freedom and respect greatly and as an adult now refuse to let my parents disrespect me, talk down at me and try to shut down opportunities from me.

Bismillaah

A: By your father coming from a Qadiani background then the nikaah with your mother is not valid. Hence, you have no responsibility to your father. Your parents are living in haraam and zina. They need to be concerned about themselves first and separate immediately. May Allah give you a good home. You may refer to your local ulama and request them to help you settle in a good home with respect and in accordance to the sunnat.

And Allah Ta’ala (الله تعالى) knows best.

 

Answered by:

Mufti Ebrahim Salejee (Isipingo Beach)

This answer was collected from MuftiOnline.co.za, where the questions have been answered by Mufti Zakaria Makada (Hafizahullah), who is currently a senior lecturer in the science of Hadith and Fiqh at Madrasah Ta’leemuddeen, Isipingo Beach, South Africa.

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