Q: My situation is a bit confusing and embarrassing.
I married a man who I dearly love and who loves me. However during our marriage we fought quite a bit, I think it was because we were rececenlty married and because I came from a family of all girls with no father in my life and he came from a family of all boys. I think marriage was a shock. Deen was a big factor in our lives alhamdulillah. Unfortunately my husband divorced me 3 times. After the third time and our separation he regretted it unbearably. I missed him very much and realised all the silly things I had done and got angry about during our marriage.
I then did halala, I know it’s immoral hence embarrassed telling you. I didn’t tell my husband or anyone else no one knows until this day. When I married I did not mention anything about halala at the time of the nikah and even before hardly except that the man knew I missed my husband and just wanted to back home to him. I can’t remember I I mentioned that I might want divorce, but if I did it was definitely not at the time of nikah. This man never told me he was marrying me to give me back though, deep down I knew. I feel that this part of the nikah was valid. My concern is with the fact that he didn’t match me in kuf and I had no wali present. I am a covered girl and my family quit pious and this man seemed religious however I found out he goes to mixed wedding etc, he is Lebanese so I assume there isn’t much segregation between cousins and inlaws. There were two witnesses and a man that I chose to be my wakeel at the nikah. There was ijaab and qubool.
(Question 1) Was this valid even though he didn’t match me in kuf? I asked one scholar here who said it’s valid even without kuf, then I got paranoid and wanted confirmation so I asked another and he said it is invalid. I am so confused because if it is invalid then my current nikah with my husband is also invalid.
After my Iddah I am now back with my first husband and we are soo happy and getting along very well MashaAllah. I honestly feel like I have married another man when it comes to understanding and caring etc and I feel like I have changed too in a good way. I am also now preganant.
My question is, (question 2) why has Allah blessed me and continued to bless me after such an immoral act I have done? It keeps me from doing extra amaal because I feel like I have deceived Islam too and am living in a haram way but Allah has blessed me and husband with happiness , (question 3) should I feel guilty about the halala for ever? Or should I let go? (Question 4) should I leave my husband because I did halala to get with him? I’m so confused and feel horrible for my bad deeds (question 5) do I still get reward for serving my husband etc even though unmarried him by doing halala?
1. It is valid.
2. Don’t entertain stupid stray thoughts. Make istighfaar and continue.
And Allah Ta’ala (الله تعالى) knows best.
Mufti Ebrahim Salejee (Isipingo Beach)