Q: I would be glad if you help me with advice, I’m in a huge and disturbing situation and it’s about my mum, Allah knows I love her so much, but then she never trusts me, she never gives me the blessing parents say to their children, she never sees the good things I do but only the bad things. I’m 17 yrs old and I have gone through a lot being just 17.
So it all started when a boy of my age liked me and we have dreams to get married in the eyes of Allah swt. He is very nice and he has no wish but for us to have a future. Growing up my mum was very abusive, the best thing she ever gave us was education. I understand that education is the best you can give, but the motherly love wasn’t there, she would buy us lovely gifts and clothes but for me to tell her my secrets or what I’m going through, I couldn’t because I was always afraid. So this boy was the first boy I was serious with because normally I’m a shy girl and an introvert. I don’t really talk to people and he kept on telling me to inform my parents about us, his mum knows about us, but it was just me that didn’t tell my mum because she never talked about relationships with me. So I told her about us and she was furious. She said I can’t marry a boy of my age because of financial situations. She said someone has to be older, I told him and he said what my mum did just motivated him to work harder for our future. So she seized my phone so I could stop talking to him.
After a month I moved to the UK for my university, and she warned me about him. I cried and tried to explain to her that she should give him a chance to prove himself when the time comes but instead she slapped and beat me with my dad, they both beat me. After she left she always video call me to check if I’m at home. I know she is just doing this to check if I stay out late. But the funny thing is that I’m not interested in that type of life she is thinking. I know my purpose and I wouldn’t do anything to bring shame to myself as a Muslim.
So after few weeks of me being alone in the UK. Things were hard because back at home I was always locked indoors. She never allowed us to go outside even with my friends, she is always saying children of now a days think they are smart. So I never really go out and it affected me because I wasn’t able to understand the outer world. I didn’t know how to do things on my own. I didn’t know how to use bank cards and get a bus and so many things. Back home I was never allowed to save or have a bank account because she always thought that children are not meant to have money because they’ll grow to love money and the day they don’t have money they will steal according to her.
After a while she called me and said why am I still talking to that boy. And I was wondering how she knew, but then she told me she has a mallam that shows her what I do and I was so scared and I told her it is shirk. But she said that it is the only solution to children of nowadays. Today she called me in the morning saying that she sent me money because I told her my school money was finished. After that she started asking why my money finished so quickly. She was asking if I save the money and deceive her that my money has finished. She said or maybe I was sending money to someone. I was heartbroken because why would I do that and she ended the call saying she’ll call her mallam and ask him what I do with the money. I just don’t know what to do with her. My father is calm and anything she says is final. He won’t even listen to me. She makes me look like a bad person to him and she sometimes says I should be careful with her if not she’ll curse me.
Parents give birth to us but does that mean I have to go through all this. Imams talk about how children should be obedient to their parents but she is always using Islam to do what she wants. She takes my phone anytime just to see who I’m talking to. She approves and disapproves the people I make friends with. Sometimes I feel like I should just stand up for myself and make her know that I’m tired of what she is doing because I’m really tired. I keep hearing just be patient for everything. I’m running out of patience because this is not the first time she keeps hurting me or beating me. Please, I need advice and God will bless you if you do a video about parents using Islam like this… Because I know lots of children suffering from this.
A: Aren’t you tired of disobeying Allah? By getting into a premarital relationship and leaving your home all by yourself, do all this not amount to disobedience. When will you get tired of disobeying Allah?
And Allah Ta’ala (الله تعالى) knows best.
Answered by:
Mufti Ebrahim Salejee (Isipingo Beach)