Q: I have a difficult situation that I am dealing with right now, and I really need some advice. I’m not sure where to go to with this question because I do not have a local masjid, therefore nobody who could advise me. I am a revert who lives in the U.S. I met a guy who lives in the UK, and we have planned on getting married for about three years now. We have been waiting for the right time to get married and are now planning to this summer in Sha Allah. When we get married, I’ll be leaving the U.S. and going to the UK to live with him and his parents. We’ve discussed this several times before, and he tried to make sure I was okay with living with his parents or trying to decide if we should get our own place. I’m very close with his family, so of course I said I didn’t mind living with them. Recently an issue came up that we can’t seem to settle. He and his mother are both saying that after we get married, I am not allowed to come back to the U.S. for any reason even to visit my family. They also said at first that I couldn’t have any contact with them either, but after a discussion about it, they have agreed that I can still talk to them just not go see them. My family doesn’t agree with my choice of religion and they don’t support me, but at the end of the day they are still my parents and I still love them. He claims that they are scared my parents may harm me (or my children if I take them with me), but I don’t think my parents would do that. I’ve been trying to be very optimistic and hope that once they see my lifestyle and what being a Muslim woman is really like instead of what they have always heard, they will come to accept my choice even if they don’t fully agree with it. I also have a sister who I am very close to. It’s heartbreaking to me to think about not ever seeing them again. It’s going to be hard moving to a new country and being so far from them at first, but that doesn’t really upset me as long as I know I can see them again. When I think about leaving here and how when I tell them bye it may be goodbye for life… It kills me inside. I’ve tried to explain my side of things and ask the guy to picture himself in my shoes. He said he saw my point and doesn’t mind me coming back to visit him. However, he had a private conversation with his mother again and now he is taking her side and doesn’t want to change his mind. I’ve tried to tell him that I mean no disrespect to her. I love her like she’s my own mother too, but I just don’t think it is fair and I can’t understand why she won’t change her mind. She has two daughters as well, wouldn’t she be upset if their husbands or mother in laws prevented them from seeing her again? He’s gotten really stressed out over this issue and thought we shouldn’t get married after all. He feels like he’s having to take a side, which he is, but it makes me feel bad. I think there will be many times in life where the husband will have to take either his wife’s side or his mother’s about certain issues (hopefully not all as big as this one) and I don’t expect him to always take mine. However, this is an issue that I feel very strongly about, and we are both worried that it could cause a lot of problems down the road. We are in her house so she makes the rules. I don’t want to go against his mother and I do still want to get married to him, but my family is important to me even if they don’t agree with my lifestyle. There’s events like my sisters graduation and the births of her children that I don’t want to miss. Can him and his mother really keep me from seeing them or do I have a right to still see them even if it’s against his mother’s wish?
Also, if the mother is so strongly against this, do you think that we should still get married?
1. If he has substantial proof for this then he may stop you.
2. When you are foreseeing a problem that you will find difficult to manage then why get into it.
And Allah Ta’ala (الله تعالى) knows best.
Mufti Ebrahim Salejee (Isipingo Beach)