Q: I have an issue that I am having a really hard time dealing with. When I was engaged to my fiancé he told me that he is getting really close to this other girl because I didn’t give him time and attention. He said he would stop talking to her though. Later we got married and when I asked whether he still spoke to that girl he told me he did and that they became best friends. He would tell me about her every now and then. I started growing suspicious so once I checked his phone in his absence and I realized they were way more than just friends. He was telling her how much he loved her and how he regrets not marrying her. He spoke to her like she was his girlfriend. He never speaks to me with that much love! Infact he is more emotionally attached to her than me. He is distant with me. My heart broke when I saw this. So one day I told him i didn’t appreciate his friendship with her and that they should stop talking. We got into a really big fight. I asked him to show me his phone and his messages with her even though I had already seen it but he didn’t know I saw his messages. He refused and told me that he couldn’t live with someone if he had trust issues and that I was going down a very dangerous path. He told me he loves me and that he is not cheating on me and that he will stop talking to her provided that I never bring her up again and that he stops talking to her on his own time. Since then he has been telling me numerous lies. He is buying gifts for her when we go shopping and tells me that his friend asked to buy it for his sister. I live in Pakistan and he lives in Canada so he was taking back gifts for people from Pakistan. But because I read his messages I knew it was for his lover cause it was mentioned in his messages. My heart broke but I couldn’t even confront him. We haven’t been getting along too well and I feel like the reason is that he is in love with someone else. Although he is very sweet to me and we don’t have any sexual problems. But I feel like I am living with a man who is only fulfiling his duties as a husband, not with someone who truly loves me. And every day of this marriage is breaking my heart. He is still in contact with his lover after 3 weeks of that fight. He went back to Canada two days ago. He will probably go meet her and give her the gifts. I am so broken and I don’t know what to do. It has only been about 7 months since we got married. Not a single soul knows about these issues with my husband. I just tell Allah all my problems when I pray and I cry and cry and cry. I have lost my mental peace and my heart is uneasy. I want my husband to love me not someone else! But I can’t live like this. I feel extremely helpless What should I do? I have a few other questions to ask you if you could please answer them.
1. Was it wrong for me to check my husbands phone in his absence?
2. Do I have a right to keep an eye on my husbands activities/ messages with other non mehrum women?
3. Is it okay if I check his messages secretly when I know he is cheating on me?
4. Should I tell my husband that I read his messages and that I know about his lover? I am really scared to cause he told me that if we lost trust for each other we shouldn’t be together.
5. He told me he would stop talking to her eventually so should I sit here patiently and wait? For how long? What if it doesn’t happen? I don’t want to live my entire life like this.
6. Would it be okay if I told someone else close to me about these problems so that it would relieve the burden on my heart? I am facing this problem alone and I have kept a parda on my husbands disloyalty to me. But it hurts so bad and I want to talk to someone about it.
7. If he continues to cheat on me, should I consider asking him for a divorce? I love him and I wish he changes his ways. I don’t want to live without him but I can’t live the rest of my life like this either. Nor would I appreciate him having a 2nd wife and I don’t think he would opt for it himself because I don’t think the laws in Canada allow more than one 1 wife at a time.
A: If you have confirmed that he is involved in a haraam relationship then you have the right to correct him for this. And if you are quite clear that he is not interested in leaving out the haraam then the right thing for you is to ask him to divorce you. There is no question about trusting the person when he is involved in haraam. It is like a thief saying after he has been convicted that don’t you trust me.
And Allah Ta’ala (الله تعالى) knows best.
Mufti Ebrahim Salejee (Isipingo Beach)