Q: What does Islam say about heartless and selfish men who take advantage of girls? and does what goes around comes around in Islam I need some advice about a difficult situation I’ve been put in. I’m on my early 20s n 2 years ago I met a man who’s in his 30s.. before I tell u about the bad situation he put me in, I wana start frm the beginning. I met this guy when my dad was seriously sick with cancer in hospital for 5 months. This guy worked at the hospital & he knew the pain I was going through while my dad was sick & later passed away. I was the only daughter my dad had out of 12 boys and I was so special to him, we were very close and it effected me so much when he was diagnosed & then passed away. I can’t describe the pain I was in back then and still. However me and this guy became close friends. He was recently divorced when I met him and he came across as such an amazing man- I felt like he distracted me from my grieving. My dad always used to make dua for me to get an amazing husband one day and I felt like this was it. It felt like as if god sent him my way to make me feel better. But clearly not. Exactly a year after my father’s death, another person in my family passed away. I felt even more depressed and I needed this guy there even more. We hung around sometimes and we texted & spoke everyday for over 20 months. I was confused to wat we were but I didn’t wana confront him so I just kept it casual. I just felt like if I asked him serious questions like “where’s this going,or what’s your intentions with me?” .. it would push him away.Few times I felt guilty about this relationship we had, i loved him so much but it just didn’t seem right and I ended it but he would always manage to get me back. I was grieving and lonely and depressed & he took advantage of my weakness and mess with my mind. He eventually did speak about marriage at one point but I felt like he wasn’t very genuine about it & he only did just to keep me interested & not leave him. Because me & him were close friends more than anything, we would borrow money from each other when we needed to. I was the one that would always put him first. I cared so much about him & didn’t mind giving whatever he wanted. I’m just extra nice & kind to every person in my life without even trying. I would do things for people and not expect anything in return.Money wasn’t such a big deal to me. This man although he claimed he cared about me lead me to do haram things with him (I feel ashamed & don’t wana get into details about it). I was pure & was never touched by a man before & because of his age and experience with girls he knew where he was leading me. I was so naive & he took advantage of my weakness. From the start I told him I don’t wana do anything haram but he kind of convinced me it’s not a big deal. But while this sinful thing was happening, I tried to stop it & he would tell me he loved me & should stop overthinking. I felt like I had no one to turn to & ask for advice as my friends and family would judge & me. Because I was still grieving I put myself in such stupid situation with him just to escape the pain of missing my dad. This man literally distracted me. We were still very close ,even though I’ve always had bad feeling about him. I feared god but he wasn’t someone who feared god. He doesn’t pray or fast so he doesn’t care about anything. As time went on he would ask me to lend him more money, it got too much but i didn’t mind coz he promised me he’d pay me. It got to £1,400 or even more. I cared about his mum too, she didn’t know what going on but I would always say my Salam to her and help her in the supermarket and give her a lift in my car. He appreciated it as he’s her only son. There’s no one else there for her when he’s working. And out of nowhere he one night told me his mum introduced him to a girl in his family. His mum wants an arrange marriage for him but we wasn’t sure if he’ll go ahead with it. For weeks he was telling me it he’s not sure with going ahead with it. After a month I found out his officially getting married and the wedding date is set. I found out from other people and I felt betrayed and hurt. He was telling me he loves me and his not sure if he’ll go ahead with the marriage but it was all lies and he was still asking me for more money despite getting married in few weeks. This man has a good job so I don’t know why he would take money from me. He was so selfish and I was embarrassed to say no. I felt disgusted and used. And I honestly don’t believe his mum introduced him to the girl he’s marrying. He would always travel to the city the girl is frm, and i used to wonder why. But it all makes sense now. There aren’t many people who like him in our city and I was the only person who was there for him and cared so much about him. Without me he would be lonely. I feel sad that he would do this to someone who truly cared about him and adored him. I feel disgusted that he used me in many ways while perusing someone else. I even found out the day he went to the girl’s family he was wearing an expensive shoes & £300 watch he got with my money. I feel so stupid and depressed. He wasn’t comfortable asking his wife-to-be for things, he didn’t rely on her as much as he did with me. It’s so unfair. He literally used me and when he’s done he just chucks me in the bin and it doesn’t bother him coz he’s happy now. He got what he wanted and I fear that this was his intentions from day one. How can someone who knows what I went through and how I felt about him do this to me? I’m over him now he’s getting married in few weeks and he hasn’t paid me anything back yet. He says to me he’ll try his best to pay me my money few months after the wedding. I have no choice but to wait. it’s just the betrayal, being used and the lies and sins he caused me to do that I will never get over. I will never get my family involved as I feel like my brothers and uncles will kill him. I find it hard to ever forgive him. This got my closer to Allah and I never miss a Salah now alhamdulilah. I’m always asking for forgiveness. I pray everyday that Allah teaches him a lesson, I pray that Allah sends him a person who uses him and leaves him just like he did to me. I’ve been told that if he starts such an important chapter of his life (marriage) like that then there’s no khair/blessing in it. I don’t know what to do? Shall I just leave it to Allah and pray that god shows him what he did as soon as possible. He took advantage of my weakness. I wouldn’t let this happen if it was few years earlier wallah but because of the grieving, I feel like I’m not the strong woman that I was before. It was the lowest moment of my life. This is big lesson for me alhamdulilah Do you think what goes around really comes around?
A: Make taubah for the wrong relationship you had with him. Isn’t it stupidity to ignore the haraam that you had got yourself involved in and only be concerned about how he had used you.
And Allah Ta’ala (الله تعالى) knows best.
Answered by:
Mufti Ebrahim Salejee (Isipingo Beach)