Obeying the Husband If It Will Put One In Problems

Assalaamu’ Alaikum Mufti sahib.

I had a pm from a sister,who is troubled in her marriage,her pm is as below,please can you guide her on what to do in this situation..

Jazakallahu khairan in advance.

Sister, I have explained the scenario so it will be better in understanding.

Who shall I listen to after the marriage contract (Nikkah) being done even though we have consummated the marriage without announcing? My parents or my husband? Husband who has troubled me since NIKKAH as we are living far. He is in Pakistan and I live in UK. My husband and I
had loved marriage, but I involved parents, was it bad to involve??

Problem I have is, I have been guided right. Alhamdulillah! My husband is still average, now because of my practices he says follow properly and be a good wife, which I am but he never sees in that way.

I’m not good:

-if i sleep early because i have to go work in the morning, he says I neglect! I am working so i can sponsor him.
-if i go to have food (note: we all family have food together for the barkat, so he says I listen to my dad) even after talking for hours,
-if I don’t wear the semi naked clothes as he prefers me because I hate it when parents are around, he simply says I listen to my parents
-if he calls me to Pakistan to live with him so he doesn’t do haraam, even if its going separate as my in laws don’t feel its the right time, to keep my honor I say no and if I have children I don’t want them to do same with me, just because my mother in-law will curse me ‘she snatched my son’ So he curses me the angels will curse you till you don’t come to me, as I am not responding, if he does zina will I be sinful?? So i said I will come if your parents are happy with it. Is it wrong?

My parents say you shouldn’t go unless he earns (because in the past I used to earn and then I had to send him money just to save my relation as he used to call me a bad supporting wife and I die for money)

SO if i listen to my parents and take a good advice, is it wrong? Or i should get deaf, fight with them, and move with him because of his sexual desire even if it was the stake of getting curses from the parents and in laws.

Before when i said take me honorably and keep me near u like a wedded wife when he started making me naked to take pleasure from it, then he used to make me suffer sexually, but i took the help of Fasting and Qur’an and nearly got tortured after explaining nicely the bad treatment he gave me, but still
continued as I was scared that he will leave me, but he never responded to me, didn’t he get the gunnah? But he used to give the excuse of he wasn’t on work, and he was studying. Now also he is not on work, then how can he call me only for his desire and curse me!

He simply says it was LOVE, don’t involve parents, you are my wife come!! It will take another year and i can’t wait. So should i still go??

There are many other things, if i don’t listen to such things he brings that I am following the wrong Islam, and he says if you go here and ask any shaikh or any da’eeh they will say be good to your husband even if he treats u bad or good you still need to keep him happy, even if he doesn’t give any maintenance or don’t live under his roof. Is it true?

Because for the bad treatment I say I am not liable till you don’t take me under your roof with respect, or give/send maintenance till then no. He often thinks I am more of a daughter than a wife, but I simply take advice. Now I am taking advice from you so if I am going to follow what you will say which will be right and that will go against my husband so is it that I love you and not my husband…. this is just misconception, how shall I explain that?

After all that treatment should I still listen to him if he says the above, mainly wearing semi naked clothes on the camera??? So after all this am I really disobedient??

Please, I would like a full answer quoting from the Quran and Sunnah. That will be a great help to make my husband understand and if I am wrong then i will correct myself Inshallah which I am striving day and night.

Wa’alaykum as Salām wa raḥmatullāhi wa barakātuhu,

Generally, a woman is obligated more to her husband, than to her parents. Thus, if the parents and husband give contradictory commands, the wife should listen to the husband.

However, if you apprehend and have conviction that listening to your husband will put you in such harm which might be difficult for you to endure, then it is permissible to act upon the advises of your parents.

Your parents are not against you going, they are concerned upon your safety, since you wrote:
“My parents say you shouldn’t go unless he earns (because in the past i used to earn and then i had to send him money just to save my relation as he used to call me a bad supporting wife and i die for money)”

Thus, you should only migrate if he promises (with a police stamp) that he will provide for you and your children. Also, he should pay for your airticket, travel expenses etc. If he accepts this, then you should migrate, but because of his current behavior, never give your passport to him. If he refuses, then the best is to work yourself out of this marriage by applying for a faskh.

Remember, it is your right that he provides for you and you do not have to give him a cent.

By accepting the above advice, you will not be sinning, even if your husband commands you with something contrary.