I want to marry this boy who has abandoned talking to me. What should I do?

Answered according to Hanafi Fiqh by AskOurImam.com

Asalaamualaikum. I am writing from Scotland this is a very important question for me. To cut a Long story short, my question is that I feel very sad and unhappy at this time in my life. There is one guy I would like to marry and he told me previously that he wanted to marry me.

We are both 20 years old. I have always wanted to get married and I feel like I cannot see myself with anyone but him. We trusted each other a lot, and I really love him. He has said a few months ago that he cannot talk to me any more without explanation and I am deeply hurt. He was the one who told me to read all 5 namaz – as before I only read a few a day. I have been brought up by a good family and good parents Alhamdulillah and he did go to my high school- only after we both left I wanted to get in touch with him. My sisters know I want to marry him and he told his best friend that he wanted to marry me around 2 years ago. I stopped speaking to him for a few months between that time and last year and I had 10 identical dreams about him which compelled me to speak to him again. After these dreams and speaking to him I realised that I really love him and I shouldn’t have stopped speaking to him and I want to be his wife look after him and his family and have children with him Insha’Allah. But he does not speak to me anymore. Even when he told me he couldn’t speak to me anymore he cried and he never ever cried before that about anything. I am really sad. I always pray for us both to be happy and for the best to happen for us both. If permitted I would like to do a wazifa – I would like to do anything for him to feel like how he used to so then we can Insha’Allah do a nikah soon. Jazakallah for reading please help me with this issue Insha’Allah. I do read many duas but I still feel like I truly deeply love him and I don’t know if anything can change that. Even though it pains me so much to type this, if we are note are not meant to be, I feel like I need a dua to work immediately for me to stop being so upset.

Answer:

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.

Sister in Islam,

We acknowledge your predicament and the dilemma you are experiencing. At the outset, it is important to note that it is impermissible for you to have any direct contact, including simply casual talk, with the boy since he is not your Mahram or husband.

We advise you to contain your emotions and consider the following:

  • The correct decision in proposing and adopting a suitable spouse depends on deep insight and maturity. If you really believe this boy will be a great asset in preserving and strengthening your faith, then you must express your feelings to your parents and seek their counsel. They may then forward the proposal of marriage to the parents or relatives of the boy. However, you must remember there are various issues which should be considered in choosing a suitable spouse. The guidance of our parents is motivated by their deer love and concern for us. You should thus strongly consider the sentiments and wishes of your parents though they may try to avert your inclination to marrying him.[1]

 

  • Keep faith and be happy with the outcome destined by Allah whether this means you eventually marry this boy or not. Allah Ta`ala says:

وعسى ان تكرهوا شيئا وهو خير لكم وعسى ان تحبوا شيئا وهو شر لكم والله يعلم وانتم لا تعلمون‎

Translation: You may dislike something although it is good for you, or like something although it is bad for you. And Allah knows and you do not know[2].

  • Recite the following verses of the Glorious Qur`an a hundred times[3]:

فَإِنْ تَوَلَّوْا فَقُلْ حَسْبِيَ اللَّهُ لَا إِلَهَ إِلَّا هُوَ عَلَيْهِ تَوَكَّلْتُ وَهُوَ رَبُّ الْعَرْشِ الْعَظِيمِ

Transliteration: Fa in tawallaw faqul hasbi Allah lailaha ila huwa alayhi tawakaltu wahuwa rabbul arshil azeem.

Translation: If they turn away then say ‘’Allah is sufficient for me. There is none worthy of worship but Him. On him we relay and He is the Rabb of the glorious Throne.’’[4]

رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا

Transliteration: Rabbana bablana min azwajina wa thuriyatina kurrata ayuniw wajalna lil mutaqeena imama

Translation: Our lord grant us from our spouses and our offspring the coolness of our eyes and make us guides for the God-fearing.[5]

  • You should observe Salāt al-Istikhārah to assist you in taking the correct approach and making the correct decision. Salāt al-Istikhārah is to request divine Guidance of Allah through a special prayer. The following is the method of the prayer:
  • Make ablution (wudhu)
  • Observe two Rak`aat voluntary Salaah
  • Recite the following supplication:

اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَسْتَخِيرُكَ بِعِلْمِكَ وَأَسْتَقْدِرُكَ بِقُدْرَتِكَ وَأَسْأَلُكَ مِنْ فَضْلِكَ الْعَظِيمِ فَإِنَّكَ تَقْدِرُ وَلَا أَقْدِرُ وَتَعْلَمُ وَلَا أَعْلَمُ وَأَنْتَ عَلَّامُ الْغُيُوبِ اللَّهُمَّ إِنْ كُنْتَ تَعْلَمُ أَنَّ هَذَا الْأَمْرَ خَيْرٌ لِي فِي دِينِي وَمَعَاشِي وَعَاقِبَةِ أَمْرِي فَاقْدُرْهُ لِي وَيَسِّرْهُ لِي ثُمَّ بَارِكْ لِي فِيهِ وَإِنْ كُنْتَ تَعْلَمُ أَنَّ هَذَا الْأَمْرَ شَرٌّ فِي دِينِي وَمَعَاشِي وَعَاقِبَةِ أَمْرِي فَاصْرِفْهُ عَنِّي وَاصْرِفْنِي عَنْهُ وَاقْدِرْ لِيَ الْخَيْرَ حَيْثُ كَانَ ثُمَّ ارْضِنِي بِهِ

Transliteration: Allaahumma inni astakheeruka bi ilmika, Wa astaqdiruka bi qudratika, Wa as’aluka min fadlikal azeem Fa innaka taqdiru Wala aqdiru, Wa ta’lamu wa laa a’lamu, Wa anta allaamul ghuyoob. Allaahumma, in kunta ta’lamu anna haadhal amra* khairun lee fee deenee wa ma’aashi wa aaqibati amree faqdirhu lee wa yas sirhu lee thumma barik lee feehi, Wa in kunta ta’lamu anna hadhal amra* shar-run lee fee deenee wa ma’ashee wa aaqibati amree fasrifhu annee wasrifnee anhu. Waqdir liyal khayra haithu kaana thumma ardinee bihi.’

Translation: O Allah! I ask guidance from Your knowledge, And Power from Your Might and I ask for Your great blessings. You are capable and I am not. You know and I do not and You know the unseen. O Allah! If You know that this matter* is good for my religion and my subsistence and in my Hereafter, then You ordain it for me and make it easy for me to get, And then bless me in it, and if You know that this matter* is harmful to me in my religion and subsistence and in the Hereafter, then keep it away from me and let me be away from it. And ordain for me whatever is good for me, And make me satisfied with it.

  • You should then mention your need and supplicate to Allah[6].

It is not necessary but recommended that this be repeated for seven days until you feel an inclination towards a specific option. It is not necessary to see a dream or witness a definite event. If one is unable to perform the Salah, the supplication will suffice. It is also recommended that one sleeps whilst in the state of wudhu facing the Qiblah after reciting the afore-mentioned supplication[7].

Note: * When making the supplication and reaching the words “hadhal amra” (this matter), you should think about the actual issue and decision in question.

 

And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best

Hanif Yusuf Patel

Student Darul Iftaa
UK

Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.

www.daruliftaa.net

References
[1] عن ابن عمر قال: كانت تحتي امرأة أحبها، وكان أبي يكرهها، فأمرني أبي أن أطلقها، فأبيت، فذكرت ذلك للنبي صلى الله عليه وسلم،      فقال: يا عبد الله بن عمر، طلق امرأتك [جامع الترمذي و ابو داود، باب في بر الوالدين]

“الدنيا كلها متاع وخير متاع الدنيا المرأة الصالحة” [سنن النسايي، ج٦، ص٤١]

سألت النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم: أي العمل أحب إلى الله؟ قال: «الصلاة على وقتها» قال: ثم أي؟ قال: «بر الوالدين» [صحيح البخاري، باب قول الله تعالي ووصينا الانسان بوالديه..]

وَاعْبُدُوا اللَّهَ وَلَا تُشْرِكُوا بِهِ شَيْئًا وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا [سورة النساء، ٣٦]

وَاتَّقُوا اللَّهَ الَّذِي تَسَاءَلُونَ بِهِ وَالْأَرْحَامَ [سورة النساء، ١]

وَالَّذِينَ يَصِلُونَ مَا أَمَرَ اللَّهُ بِهِ أَنْ يُوصَلَ [سورة الرعد، ٢١]

وَوَصَّيْنَا الْإِنْسَانَ بِوَالِدَيْهِ حُسْنًا [سورة العنكبوت، ٨]

وَوَصَّيْنَا الْإِنْسَانَ بِوَالِدَيْهِ حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُ وَهْنًا عَلَى وَهْنٍ وَفِصَالُهُ فِي عَامَيْنِ أَنِ اشْكُرْ لِي وَلِوَالِدَيْكَ [سورة لقمان،١٤]

[2] [Al-Qur`an, 2: 216]

[3] Remedies from the holy Quraan by Moulana Ashraf Ali Thanwi

[4] [Al-Qur`an, 9: 129]

[5] [Al-Qur`an, 25: 74]

[6] قال جابر بن عبد الله رضي الله عنهما : كان رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم ، يُعلمنا الاستخارة في الأمور كلها كما يعلمُنا السورة من القرآن ، يقول : إذا هم أحدكم بالأمر فليركع ركعتين من غير الفريضة ، ثم ليقل :” اللهم إني أستخيرك بعلمك ، وأستقدرك بقدرتك ، وأسألك من فضلك العظيم فإنك تقدِرُ ولا أقدِرُ ، وتعلم ولا أعلم ، وأنت علام الغيوب ، اللهم إن كنت تعلم أن هذا الأمر -يسمي حاجته – خير لي في ديني ومعاشي وعاقبة أمري – أو قال : عاجلة وآجله – فاقدره لي ويسره لي ، ثم بارك لي فيه ، وإن كنت تعلم أن هذا الأمر شر   لي في ديني ومعاشي وعاقبة أمري – أو قال : عاجله وآجله – فاصرفه عني واصرفني عنه ، واقدر لي الخير حيث كان ، ثم ارضني به

[Sahih Al-Bukhari, (21: 263); Musnad al-Imam Ahmad, 14834; Sunan an-Nasa`I, 10332; Sunan Abi Dawud, 1538, Sunan at-Tirmidhi, 480]

[7] وَيَنْبَغِي أَنْ يُكَرِّرَهَا سَبْعًا، لِمَا رَوَى ابْنُ السُّنِّيِّ «يَا أَنَسُ إذَا هَمَمْت بِأَمْرٍ فَاسْتَخِرْ رَبَّك فِيهِ سَبْعَ مَرَّاتٍ، ثُمَّ اُنْظُرْ إلَى الَّذِي سَبَقَ إلَى قَلْبِك فَإِنَّ الْخَيْرَ فِيهِ» وَلَوْ تَعَذَّرَتْ عَلَيْهِ الصَّلَاةُ اسْتَخَارَ بِالدُّعَاءِ اهـ مُلَخَّصًا. وَفِي شَرْحِ الشِّرْعَةِ: الْمَسْمُوعُ مِنْ الْمَشَايِخِ أَنَّهُ يَنْبَغِي أَنْ يَنَامَ عَلَى طَهَارَةٍ مُسْتَقْبِلَ الْقِبْلَةِ بَعْدَ قِرَاءَةِ الدُّعَاءِ الْمَذْكُورِ، فَإِنْ رَأَى مَنَامَهُ بَيَاضًا أَوْ خُضْرَةً فَذَلِكَ الْأَمْرُ خَيْرٌ، وَإِنْ رَأَى فِيهِ سَوَادًا أَوْ حُمْرَةً فَهُوَ شَرٌّ يَنْبَغِي أَنْ يُجْتَنَبَ اهـ

[Radd al-Muhtar ala ad-Durr al-Mukhtar, 2: 27, H. M. Saeed

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