I am getting married next week, this is very urgent.
I am to be wed to this guy who is religious and my mom loves him. I on the other hand do not. My father talked with me to ask my opinion of him at the start but I did not give any because I didnt know what to say. The guy lives in another state, and we talked over the phone for a month. He said he loves so much, and wish I can do the same..I really tried to, but I can’t. I don’t find him attractive, and it annoys me when he says he loves me.
I do not agree to this marriage, at the start I was ok with it because I told him and my parents I wated to get married a year later after m studies (my mom didn’t care..she said I wont find another guy like him).
Two weeks ago, I expressed my concern with my parents. I told my mom i was assulated when I was a child and was kind of scared of marriage and consummating. She didn’t care as much expect the fact I was ok and called me stupid because I shared it also with the guy. They won’t stop the marriage.
One week ago, I told the guy I feel sad that no one values my opinion, that I wished I could have gotten married a year later then now. He was sad and cried. I hanged up the phone, and he calls my mom right after saying I said these things. My parents yells at me, threaten to kill me and my mom was about to jump out the window to sucided. They said they were really dissappointed in me. I got a few minor kicks and bruises from them. They said it was my fault for not strongly saying no earlier and now its too late since there’s a week left, they brought everything for the marriage and they told the community about my marriage…if they stop the wedding they will lose their respect and won’t be able to show their face anymore in the mosque. They also said it’d my fault if no one will marry my other siblings.
I don’t know how to cope but to stay out side or stay in college al day long. I am hurt. My parents blame me for hurting them but I feel they do not see me or care. I feel very depressed. And I really hate talking to the guy now, I have bad thoughts like how he would die. I want to run away. My mom expects me to connsumate the marriage, but I am scared. I HATE the idea of him touching me, i feel grossed and throwing up (my mom thought about him, how he maybe he has hope — she doesn’t really care what I feel).
Also another note: we did do istikhara namaz, my parents saw good things but him and I didn’t see anything. But I hate him already…I feel really bad.
Please help me. I do not feel at peace, I feel like I’m going crazy.
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
Sister in islam,
We understand your mind-set and predicament.
In principle, you are an adult and you have an independent right in Shariah to withdraw from this marriage arrangement. However, in the context of the circumstances you are facing, you seek our help, probably our advice. Often in life we have to distinguish permissibility from practicality. What may be permissible may not necessarily be practical or ideal.
It is generally normal for girls to be apprehensive before marriage for various reasons. In many instances it could be the appearance of the boy or his conduct or his family etc. It should be understood that no boy is perfect. Even if you choose a perfect match for you, you will still be apprehensive in some way or the other. You will have to reach a point of compromise and trust in Allah for whatever has to happen.
In your case, there are some positives in the boy. You say his conduct is good. There is also humility in him. Your parents chose him for you. Surely they must have considered him to be the most suitable for you based on their love for you and their experiences in life.
Our advice is you change your mind-set and proceed with the marriage. Living together will give both of you the opportunity to win over each other’s hearts, which will dominate all negativities. If you trust your parent’s love for you then change your attitude and look forward to making the marriage a success. After adopting all possible means for a successful marriage, place your trust in Allah.
Make lots of Dua to Allah to assist you in the marriage.
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Saleem Khan
Student Darul Iftaa
Bradford, UK
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.
www.daruliftaa.net