Dispute with my mother

Answered according to Hanafi Fiqh by Askimam.org

I need to mend my relationship with my mother. I have greatly disrespected and angered my mother by speaking vcery loudly and pretty much yelling at her, as we are both very prone to arguments, more so than the other members of our family. The thing is we have a long history of having conversations devolve into arguments very quickly. Before i thought i was being reasonable and that we’re just both hot-headed, but after having my arrogance and rudeness layed out infront of me by Her and the rest of my family i am convinced i am at fault. After an argument last night in which i responded very innapropriately angry fashion to my mother asking me to do a simple task, my mother yelled at me for longer than usual, her voice got very very high, she turned red and cried a bit. My mother is a very strong, independant, and strict woman whom i love, and seeing her cry is something that does not happen very often in my life. So what she said to me is that this was the last straw and that she is no longer talking to me ever again. I regret to say that this process has happened many times before, where i disrespect my mother and she does not talk to me for a while.

A while ago it would only last a few days as my mother would see my shame and sincerity when apologising, however saying sorry tends to make her a bit angry and i feel like right now she would not accept it anyway. However the longest she has ever gone without talking to me was a day or two short of a month. I know this is wrong and i need to make serious changes because i am mistreating the person who cares for me more than anyone else on the planet. Some additional information that might help: i am 17, originally born in Pakistan, and we have lived in Canada for about 14 years ( I try my best to stay close to my culture and religion, and retain my fluency in Urdu). I know that the drop of one’s tear in repentance is a powerful thing in Islam and i do cry very often and very deeply whenever these fractures in the relationship between me and my mother happen, i am not heartless the reason it keeps happening is because i am simply slow at learning hwo to behave or something, i do not enjoy fighting with my mother! I have spent many nights awake in supplication asking Allah (swt) to help me become a better person, to change me, or to put me on the path to being a more soft-spoken person. I have even taken measures myself where until i learn to control my emotions i try to limit my interaction with my family so i dont cause any conflict, but this only causes them to think i don’t know how to communicate or that i waste all of my time playing on the computer or something (I’m usually studying as exam season is coming up anyway).

Contrary to the above, last night as i went to bed and asked for forgiveness, for some reason my pain felt more deep than usual, a type of dryness in my soul, and for some reason i was not crying as much as usual. That might not seem odd, but i tend to cry an unusual amount for other boys my age, as i tend to get depressed easily which might contribute to my lack of patience with my mother. I also get lonely very easily, and sometimes just knowing my friends are going out to spend time together without me makes me cry myself to sleep even though i know it’s not that big of a deal. Sorry for making a very long post I just feel very emotionally conflicted right now. So basically I need to first and foremost, attain my mothers, and Allah’s (swt) forgiveness as i feel horrible and verily, Jannat is at the feet of one’s mother.

But i also need to fix my problem once and for all and would greatly appreciate advice on how to better myself. So what Dua should i make? I don’t think speaking with my mother is a good idea right now as she is not speaking to me, and our argument happened less than a day ago. Thank you very much for your time.

Answer

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.

Brother in Islam,

In order to avoid such an incident in future it is crucial you understand that the attitude you have shown to your mother is appalling and inexcusable. You have failed to realise the value and status of your mother. Once you realise the true value and status of your mother you will stop mistreating her. Consider the following verse:

وَقَضَى رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوا إِلَّا إِيَّاهُ وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِنْدَكَ الْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَا أَوْ كِلَاهُمَا فَلَا تَقُلْ لَهُمَا أُفٍّ وَلَا تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُلْ لَهُمَا قَوْلًا كَرِيمًا (23) وَاخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ الذُّلِّ مِنَ الرَّحْمَةِ وَقُلْ رَبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا

Translation: And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And that you be dutiful to your parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honour. And lower unto them the wing of submission through mercy, and say: My Lord! Have mercy on them both as they cherished me in childhood.”

The status of your mother can also be appreciated from the following Hadith,

عن أبي هريرة رضي الله عنه قال: جاء رجل إلى رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم فقال: يا رسول الله، من أحق الناس بحسن صحابتي؟ قال: «أمك» قال: ثم من؟ قال: «ثم أمك» قال: ثم من؟ قال: «ثم أمك» قال: ثم من؟ قال: «ثم أبوك»

(8/ 2) صحيح البخاري

Translation: A man came to Allah’s Messenger (Sallāhu Alaihi Wasallam) and said, “O Allah’s Messenger (Sallāhu Alaihi Wasallam)! Who is more entitled to be treated with the best companionship by me?” The Prophet (Sallāhu Alaihi Wasallam)  said, “Your mother.” The man said. “Who is next?” The Prophet said, “Your mother.” The man further said, “Who is next?” The Prophet (Sallāhu Alaihi Wasallam)  said, “Your mother.” The man asked for the fourth time, “Who is next?” The Prophet (Sallāhu Alaihi Wasallam)  said, “Your father.”

Your parents are the only people in the world that love you unconditionally. Moreover, your mother is the one that loves you and cares for you the most. Her love cannot be equated with anything in this world. Therefore, anything she says or does is motivated by her love and compassion for you. You stated that your mother is strong and independent yet you made her cry. Use that as a measure to understand her frustration with you. You are supposed to make her laugh, not cry. Your crying is not going to solve anything. You need to change.

Your current situation with your mother can only be resolved with time and by you reforming yourself. When your mother sees that you have changed she will eventually forgive you. Instead of begging for her forgiveness as you did previously, show and prove to her that you have changed. Help her around the house, buy gifts for her and obey her every request. Give her the son she wants. In time she will forgive you. Thereafter, you can work to build a strong relationship with your mother.

May Allah grant you the ability to be obedient to your parents. Ameen

And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best

Saleem Khan

Student Darul Iftaa
Bradford, UK

Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.

www.daruliftaa.net

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